Updates and Realizations

This post started as simply an update. I intended to tell you about my recent appointment and my beginning to share the news with my RL inner circle. It took me somewhere else…I’ve always found I’m more honest with myself when I’m writing…and I think this is something I’ve been hiding from myself or just ignoring for a while now.

I went to the OB on Tuesday. It was an uneventful appointment. (I’m told this is a good thing.) Personally I find it a bit unsettling. I’ve spent the better part of the last two years knowing exactly what my hormone levels are and exactly what is (or what wasn’t) going on in my uterus. So for me to spend more time in a waiting room then with a doctor…it makes me nervous. And you know what? I’m nervous enough about this.

But everyone…from my best friend (who goes to the same group of doctors I do) to my brother (my SIL is in her 3rd Trimester) has assured me that this is great. They only monitor you closely if something is wrong. They keep up with your hormones with your urine samples. And check on the fetus (I just can’t bring myself to use the B word yet…more on that later) by listening to the heartbeat. So I should relax. Everything is fine.

I can’t help but flash back to when we were “trying” and all anyone would tell us was we had to relax and it would happen. I didn’t like being told to relax then…not so thrilled with it now. Because you know what? Telling someone to relax tends to cause the exact OPPOSITE effect on said person. Me? It pisses me off too.

But I digress…things are progressing along nicely. I have been so nauseous and sick that I’ve lost 5 pounds. Because of a change in health insurance I was able to get a full ultrasound at this visit. That was amazing. I measured exactly 10 weeks. The heart rate was 160. I can’t decide if it looks more like a peanut or a gummi bear at this point but you know what? You want me to relax? Show me that everything really is fine on an ultrasound. Give me one of those every day! THAT is relaxing.

The OB doesn’t want to see me for a month. A MONTH! Seriously are they aware for the past year I’ve been seeing a doctor about my uterus practically daily? A MONTH?! Do you know what can go wrong in a month?! The doctor told me to go for a Nuchal Translucency. (That’s done in another office.) So I made that appointment for January 29th. (Hence the strategic scheduling of the Nuchal 2 weeks after my last appointment and 2 weeks before my next.)

I should relax and just enjoy being pregnant right? If the last two years have taught me anything it’s that my body will fail to work properly. Twice they put embryos exactly where they are supposed to go only for one to somehow find it’s way to an ectopic pregnancy and the second to fail to do anything at all. So no…I don’t see myself relaxing and enjoying anytime soon. Honestly…I’m afraid to relax and enjoy. I’m afraid to believe. I want to…I don’t think I have ever wanted to believe in anything more than I want to believe in this.

I was talking to IvoryGirl today and said that I am ever so slowing beginning to believe that it might be okay. That’s all I can muster. I want to…I do. More than anything I want to enjoy this and be happy about it. I want to look at baby clothes when I shop and be brave enough to walk into a maternity clothing store. I just can’t. My reaction to both is still…it’ll never be mine. Hell my immediate reaction to someone’s pregnancy is still jealousy. It takes a moment to realize I don’t have to be jealous anymore.

I’m just not sure I’ll ever be the oblivious happy pregnant chick. I’m sure that sounds selfish but I know too much about what can go wrong. I have heard too many horror stories. Shed too many tears for my fellow infertile sisters when their joy…their world… is demolished. The pain of the loss I suffered with the ectopic pregnancy is still very real and raw…even now nearly 9 months later. Had that pregnancy been normal and healthy I would be getting ready to greet that child so soon. And I can’t get past the knowledge that February 16th is rapidly approaching …I can’t. I don’t know how. I want to focus on what’s going on in my uterus currently and celebrate that but I’m still mourning the sibling that will never be…

And I don’t know how to stop.

The Future

I wanted to take a moment to talk to you about the future of this blog.

I’ve been thinking a lot (hence the lack of posts) over the past two weeks about what I should do. Do I keep posting here? Do I start a new blog? Do I disappear from cyberspace altogether? That last one isn’t an option, as I’ve found I really enjoy blogging.

I’ve read plenty of blogs where there are angry posts saying that once a blogger is fortunate enough to find herself pregnant or is a parent that they should close up shop and either stop posting or start an entirely new blog. Even before I found myself pregnant, I didn’t think that was exactly fair.

I mean, I’ve spoken about things that aren’t related to infertility on this blog. But I think the main reason I disagree with posts like that is simply, my infertility has helped to shape me into the woman I am today. And when I say that I mean that my infertility has shaped me in ways I think I may never understand. It broke me. It pushed me to places I never thought I’d see again, places I wasn’t sure I would survive. It brought me closer to NewsBoy and made us stronger. It made me stronger then I ever thought I could be. It is part of who I am.

And even though I am now pregnant I think it’s important to keep talking about what happens when you are somehow pregnant and infertile. I do think that pregnancy after battling infertility is different then if you are fortunate enough to be able to do things “the old fashioned way”. Infertility takes so much from us and leaves us with fears and insecurities that I’m not sure ever actually go away. (I’m sure this is something I will come back to time and time again.)

Once I came to that realization…my decision was made. I will continue to post here throughout my pregnancy and beyond. If reading about my pregnancy is too hard for you or hurts you, I am truly sorry. I do completely understand if you stop visiting me here. I will miss you and wish you nothing but the best.

So Sorry

HI friends. I have been neglectful of my blog the last week. Between finishing my job (yep I’m unemployed!) and the holiday…well sitting at the computer hasn’t happened.

But here are the down and dirty details. The spotting was “nothing to be concerned about”. I went to the RE for poking and prodding last Tuesday the 22nd. I measured 6 weeks 5 days and heard the heartbeat. Amazing just doesn’t cover it.

Fast Forward…I survived the holiday with my in laws. It turns out that being in my condition gets me pretty much anything I want from them. This is new…and interesting.

Had my first OB appointment on Monday. They took an obscene amount of blood. I went back on Tuesday for my first ultrasound. I measured 8 week! Apparently time in my uterus moves faster then on the outside. But things look great.

I’m beginning to believe.

For now though I have to run…have to meet some of NewsBoy’s family for lunch.

I’ll be back soon! Thanks for continuing to check in!

Belated Poking & Prodding: Part Deux Update…with a little freaking out

So last Thursday’s Poking and Prodding went really well. My beta went up to 21,943 and we were able to see the beginnings of a heartbeat. I was flying high.

But my world came crashing down this morning…I’m spotting.

Yes, it’s just brown. And no there isn’t any cramping. But I am terrified. When I called the RE, Margaret got on the phone with me. As long as there isn’t any cramping and the spotting doesn’t get heavier or change color it’s all normal. Just to be safe I have to go in tomorrow morning.

I am seriously freaking out

Update Soon…I Promise

Poking and Prodding: Part Deux went very well yesterday. But exhaustion has over come me. I promise to update all of you as soon as I can get some sleep.

Poking and Prodding: P.S.

RE said I’m measuring about 5 weeks…maybe a little more.

Poking & Prodding

So I went for some poking and prodding this morning. I just got the blood work results…but I’ll get to that in a moment.

The ultrasound…the doctor checked to make sure that the embryo wasn’t in either tube or “anywhere it isn’t supposed to be.” And it wasn’t. It was exactly where it is supposed to be. He showed me and NewsBoy a tiny sac and measured it.

I actually asked if I was really pregnant.

He said yes. I started crying.

I am at the same time scared, nervous, hesitant, excited, happy, shocked and about a million other things.

But about that 2nd Beta level. It was 3600. Not the doubling that they were hoping for but when combined with the estrogen and progesterone levels (both of which were “very good”…progesterone even went up.) and the ultrasound my doctor was “very happy” and not concerned at all.

You know I had to ask though right?

“Since the beta didn’t double does that mean I need to worry?” I asked.

She told me again that the doctor wasn’t worried and I could be cautiously optimistic at this point. (I hate that phrase. See here to find out why.) But she went on to say that they aren’t worried so I shouldn’t be. They will tell me when and if I need to worry. So hearing that made me feel a bit better. They want me back next Thursday for my 3rd beta and another ultrasound. (OMG! Can I make it that far without freaking out!?)

But my overwhelming emotion right now is just scared.

The Truth is…

I am terrified.

NewsBoy and I will go tomorrow morning for my 2nd Beta and an ultrasound.

I still can’t quite believe this is real….so how can I possibly be getting an ultrasound tomorrow morning? The cramps I’m having just mean that I’m going to get my period, right? It’s not anything growing inside me. It can’t be. It just doesn’t make sense. After a year of fertility treatments how is this even possible that I ovulated on my own? Never mind that we timed things properly without paying attention to anything.

Then for a moment I do believe that this is real and then I panic…what if it all goes bad…again? Will I survive that?

I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I’m sitting at my desk at work trying SO hard to focus on what I need to be doing. I just can’t. All I can think about is my uterus and what might be going on in there. It just doesn’t feel real. I can’t wrap my head around this at all.

Yes…I’m peeing like it’s my job. Yes…I am experiencing cramping that feels more like stretching and pulling then menstrual cramps. Yes…my boobs are killing me. Yes…I’m seemingly constantly hungry and tired. But that’s just PMS. Right?

More than anything right now I just want today to be over…I want to be home with NewsBoy. I want to crawl into bed so tomorrow can come and maybe I can start to believe.

I Guess It’s True…

I didn’t sleep last night. Basically I just watched the clock from about 1:00 am until the alarm went off at about 7:00 am. I tossed…I turned…I stared at the ceiling. All night long just one thought went through my mind.

“Is this real? Or is this just a really vivid and cruel dream?”

So I got out of bed with the alarm and got in the shower. I got dressed. I dried my hair. I got in the car and drove to the fertility clinic. I barely got the chance to sit down when Margaret called me for bloodwork. We chatted a bit while she took my blood. I told her I was in shock (still am). She promised that no matter what the results were they’d help get me through it. She told me that she’d call some time between 1 and 3 this afternoon.

Well the phone rang at 11:57.

My beta level is 2,393!

“Margaret, what does this mean?” I asked.

“It means that you are a good 4 to 6 weeks pregnant.”

Shock. That’s all I have right now…shock. (And an appointment for more blood work and an ultrasound on Friday)

Wait…What!?

Okay…so it’s CD 39. I figure I’m on an in between cycle (Next IVF isn’t until 2010) so no big deal. But since it’s CD 39 I figured I should POAS so I could call the RE and tell them it’s CD 39, AF is no where in sight and I wasn’t pregnant.

Ummm…well I POAS and the stick says that it’s a BFP.

WAIT! WHAT? SERIOUSLY? No…that can’t be…I mean I don’t ovulate on my own…it’s impossible. Right?

So I called NewsBoy. I was shaking…I could barely hold the phone.

“Baby?” I said going a mile a minute “Ummm so I peed on a stick this morning so I could call the RE and tell them that I peed on a stick and wasn’t pregnant, but the stick says I’m pregnant.”

NewsBoy: “What!”

Me: “Umm yea…the stick thinks I’m pregnant.”

NewsBoy: “Well call someone!”

Me: “I did….I called you…I don’t know what to think…what to do.”

NewsBoy “Go call the doc.”

Me: “Okay.” and I hung up on him! (Poor man takes more abuse then anyone should.)

So I called the RE’s office…now at this point I have a relationship with most of the nurses and support staff. After a year of treatments they all know me and what I’ve been through. So when I got through to Patty I sped through the same thing I told DH. “Oh congratulations!” she squealed. After telling her I was freaking out a bit she tracked down a nurse to find out what I should do. While on hold I paced so fast I made myself dizzy…all in about two minutes.

She talked to Margaret…who even though she was with a patient said congratulations and come in tomorrow for blood work. Patty said she was going to transfer me to the voice mail so someone will call me. So I repeated my story for the third time to the answering machine. I hung up the phone and immediately started crying. I fell to my knees and begged “Please let this be real! Please!” I think I did that for a good 10 minutes.

So I go tomorrow for what I guess is a beta…

BUT…can I tell you how much I’ve drank in the past 2 weeks alone!? Not to mention I’ve been drinking semi-caffeinated coffee. PLUS I don’t think I’ve taken a pre-natal vitamin since we moved 3 weeks ago!

I am FREAKING OUT.