A Loss for Words

I’ve been trying to put what I’m feeling about all this into words and I’m finding it very difficult. Which is weird for me because I’m rarely at a loss for words. I keep coming back to two words: Overwhelmingly sad. As much as I think saying more would help me move on …that’s all I have. Overwhelmingly sad.

It isn’t constant anymore. I’ve found I am able to smile without forcing myself. So I’m looking at that as a step forward. But I feel like it’s kinda always there lurking in the background, ready to pounce with a moments notice. And I never really know what it will be that might send me collapsing into tears. It’s hard…with the exception of one friend who is also suffering from infertility and PCOS (we’ll call her IvoryGirl) no one can possibly come close to comprehending the emotions I’ve been experiencing since finding out I had to end my pregnancy last Thursday. (Because of course I’ve cut myself off from my message boards even though they are among the few women who can understand all this.) And yes I did spend the vast majority of Thursday sobbing harder then I ever thought any human could sob. But five days later, I feel like I am in control of the tears, they are no longer a given. That’s a big thing for me.

Yesterday, on my first official day of vacation, I met a girlfriend at the mall. She had her two kids with her. We had lunch. Did some returns I had and we wondered the mall. And overall I think I did okay. I don’t think she really had any clue that holding her children felt like a punch in the gut. Or that I feel like I’m hiding what I’m feeling from everyone in my life. (She is one of my friends that does not know about my recent IVF failure.) Or that by the time we said good bye I was very much ready to be away from the kids. I wanted desperately to go back to my house where I wouldn’t have to hear any child’s laughter. (Cause that’s like a knife to the heart.)

But I survived and got through all day yesterday without any tears. So I guess that’s something.

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Back in the Saddle

While still overwhelmingly sad. I have decided that I must move on and accept that this is my reality.

The best way I move on from something I can’t control is to take control of the things I can. This morning I signed up for Weight Watchers online. (I’ve been in and out of the program for nearly 10 years.) I’m hoping that in losing weight I might have a chance of having a child without the help of the fertility specialist.

I also cleaned. It’s like catharsis for me. The more I clean the better I feel. Because I can control exactly how clean my house is. Today for the first time in probably years I cleaned our bedroom closet.

And suddenly life is a little bit better.

Strike One

It’s over.

Thursday’s results were bad. My numbers went up…but not nearly enough. The nurse who called with my results said that my doctor was confident that I have an ectopic pregnancy and the best course of action was a methotrexate injection to terminate my pregnancy.

I don’t think I have to tell you I cried pretty much all day Thursday. Well not cried as much as sobbed and screamed all day long. It wasn’t pretty and frankly I’m glad no one was home to see it happen.

After crying myself out, I did some research. After speaking with my doctor, I took a Prozac for the first time in well over a month. (Because there was no way I was going to survive this without it. In reality, I think I should have started taking it again a week ago. I’ve been living my life on the verge of tears even when things were good.) When my husband came home we talked. And after coming up with a list of questions to ask the doctor the next morning we spent the rest of the evening mostly in silence. We were both numb. It’s been a long road. (I’ve also realized that I’ve been doing fertility treatments long enough to have had a child by now if the 1st round of Clomid I took back in September would have worked. That brought on yet another round of sobbing.)

Friday morning we woke up and went to the office. I cried on the way. I cried as we walked into the office. The nurses at my Fertility Clinic were amazing and compassionate. Some even hugging me and telling me that they’ve been where I am and to hang in there, my baby is coming to me. More crying.

We asked all of our questions. My doctor very patiently answered all of them. The most important answer being that; this injection would not harm any eggs I have or prevent future pregnancies in any way.

So I signed the form allowing the doctor to administer the two injections that would terminate the pregnancy for which I waited and prayed for over a year and a half. (One year, seven months and two weeks…but who’s counting?)

So it’s over.

We are taking a break. In fact we don’t have a choice in the matter. Our insurance company will not cover another round of IVF until 2010. So while my doctor says that round two can happen in September, we simply can’t afford it. So we will focus on each other and on the other things live has given us.

And in time, I’ll come up with a plan. I like having plans. It gives me a goal. Makes me feel organized. Gives me a sense of control. These are all things I, a control freak, need. I don’t like being told I can’t do something. This is no different. Some day I will have the child I so desperately want.

So for now I leave you with a request: Please write your senator and urge him to support H.R 697: Family Building Act of 2009. It will help countless couples like my husband and I have the health insurance coverage needed to afford the fertility treatments we need to have our child. http://www.govtrack.us/congress/bill.xpd?bill=h111-697

Also check out RESOLVE the National Infertility Association: http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=homepage

Attempting Patience

The truth of the matter is I don’t think I’m very good at this cautious optimism thing.

In reality I am currently a nervous wreck, and have been since waking up from a nightmare this morning at 5:30 AM. I know I should be calm. I know I should relax. I know I should not give up hope.

But being here…in this state of limbo…of not knowing…is making me crazy. (And for someone who has been living with Depression for 13, probably more, years that’s saying a lot.)

EVERYTHING is on hold. EVERYTHING. And there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. I have no control over the situation…which I hate more than I can articulate. I am, by definition, a complete control freak. So the fact that I have to wait and hope for the best is killing me.

Tomorrow’s results can not come quick enough

Cautious Optimisim

I think there is something to be said for caution.

On Friday we received the amazing news that our IVF cycle worked. I was pregnant. I was tested a day early. My first hCG (or Beta) results were 43.3. They were no a low side (a preferred 1st Beta is 50) but I was assured that since it was a day early this was a very good number.

I was flying high. I smiled all weekend. My husband and I had a date Saturday night. We went to dinner and then to a movie. We saw the movie “Up”. Totally cute and worth it even though I cried my eyes out…several times…and I feel that I should tell you why.

SPOILER ALERT. First was the opening mini movie that usually precedes a Pixar film. While very cute, it was about storks delivering babies of all species to their parents. It was a bit of shock that I wasn’t expecting and I teared up. And yes I realize that technically at the moment I am pregnant, but I’m not out of the woods just yet. It just kinda hit home.

Now the movie itself…again SPOILER ALERT….in order to set up the fact that the main character is a lonely old man the open is a montage of his very happy marriage to the love of his life. But they do show a scene to explain why they are childless and it seems to involve a miscarriage. This was a huge punch in the gut. I was instantly in tears. It was very tastefully done, it’s not gratuitous and ultimately the couple has a very happy life together without children. But as a woman who has spent the last year and a half trying to have a child and is barely pregnant. This was terrifying and very upsetting. I did love this movie…but would have loved a bit of warning prior to seeing it.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful. My weekend warrior husband won all 3 of his softball games, and I did a lot of relaxing.

This morning I went for another blood test. My 2nd Beta/hCG check. From Friday until today the number of 43.5 was supposed to at least double. It did not. It did go up…to 83.3…but it did not go up the 50% that they ‘prefer’ it go up. It is 3.7 points from where it should be at this time. The nurse who gave me my results, in response to my panicked question “Does this mean I’m miscarrying?” paused a moment as if she were thinking and said “I would remain cautiously optimistic.” That was all she would say. I was told to keep up with my progesterone shots and come back on Thursday for another test.

Well, needless to say I lost it. I was immediately terrified. I told my hubby over IM. Once he had a grasp on what I was saying he immediately Googled and found this: “Caution must be used in making too much of hCG numbers. A normal pregnancy may have low hCG levels and result in a perfectly healthy baby. The results from an ultrasound after 5 – 6 weeks gestation are much more accurate than using hCG numbers.” (I’m sorry but I’m not exactly sure where he got this.)

While he was Googling I went where I go anytime something happens on this wild and wacky TTC journey. I went directly to my message boards to tell them. Almost instantly I had a response telling me that the same thing happened to someone else and that I should not panic, as my numbers are in the normal range.

It was exactly what I needed to hear. That someone whose numbers didn’t do what they are supposed to do is still pregnant.

It was about this point that I ran to the bathroom to compose myself. I did what I could and went back to my computer. It wasn’t long before I was crying again…I was visibly upset. My co-worker (the one I refer to as my “work wife”) asked what was wrong and what she could do to help. I filled her in and she helped talk me off the ledge. (I honestly don’t know what I will do without her when this job ends.)

Which leads me back to where I started…there is something to be said for caution. While I do think that the nurse could have been a bit less cryptic and given me some more information. I have to keep in mind that it is early…very very early. A million things could go wrong.

So I shall, until there is a heartbeat, remain “cautiously optimistic.”