I think there is something to be said for caution.
On Friday we received the amazing news that our IVF cycle worked. I was pregnant. I was tested a day early. My first hCG (or Beta) results were 43.3. They were no a low side (a preferred 1st Beta is 50) but I was assured that since it was a day early this was a very good number.
I was flying high. I smiled all weekend. My husband and I had a date Saturday night. We went to dinner and then to a movie. We saw the movie “Up”. Totally cute and worth it even though I cried my eyes out…several times…and I feel that I should tell you why.
SPOILER ALERT. First was the opening mini movie that usually precedes a Pixar film. While very cute, it was about storks delivering babies of all species to their parents. It was a bit of shock that I wasn’t expecting and I teared up. And yes I realize that technically at the moment I am pregnant, but I’m not out of the woods just yet. It just kinda hit home.
Now the movie itself…again SPOILER ALERT….in order to set up the fact that the main character is a lonely old man the open is a montage of his very happy marriage to the love of his life. But they do show a scene to explain why they are childless and it seems to involve a miscarriage. This was a huge punch in the gut. I was instantly in tears. It was very tastefully done, it’s not gratuitous and ultimately the couple has a very happy life together without children. But as a woman who has spent the last year and a half trying to have a child and is barely pregnant. This was terrifying and very upsetting. I did love this movie…but would have loved a bit of warning prior to seeing it.
The rest of the weekend was uneventful. My weekend warrior husband won all 3 of his softball games, and I did a lot of relaxing.
This morning I went for another blood test. My 2nd Beta/hCG check. From Friday until today the number of 43.5 was supposed to at least double. It did not. It did go up…to 83.3…but it did not go up the 50% that they ‘prefer’ it go up. It is 3.7 points from where it should be at this time. The nurse who gave me my results, in response to my panicked question “Does this mean I’m miscarrying?” paused a moment as if she were thinking and said “I would remain cautiously optimistic.” That was all she would say. I was told to keep up with my progesterone shots and come back on Thursday for another test.
Well, needless to say I lost it. I was immediately terrified. I told my hubby over IM. Once he had a grasp on what I was saying he immediately Googled and found this: “Caution must be used in making too much of hCG numbers. A normal pregnancy may have low hCG levels and result in a perfectly healthy baby. The results from an ultrasound after 5 – 6 weeks gestation are much more accurate than using hCG numbers.” (I’m sorry but I’m not exactly sure where he got this.)
While he was Googling I went where I go anytime something happens on this wild and wacky TTC journey. I went directly to my message boards to tell them. Almost instantly I had a response telling me that the same thing happened to someone else and that I should not panic, as my numbers are in the normal range.
It was exactly what I needed to hear. That someone whose numbers didn’t do what they are supposed to do is still pregnant.
It was about this point that I ran to the bathroom to compose myself. I did what I could and went back to my computer. It wasn’t long before I was crying again…I was visibly upset. My co-worker (the one I refer to as my “work wife”) asked what was wrong and what she could do to help. I filled her in and she helped talk me off the ledge. (I honestly don’t know what I will do without her when this job ends.)
Which leads me back to where I started…there is something to be said for caution. While I do think that the nurse could have been a bit less cryptic and given me some more information. I have to keep in mind that it is early…very very early. A million things could go wrong.
So I shall, until there is a heartbeat, remain “cautiously optimistic.”