I peed on a stick…a lot. Over the course of trying to have my first child I have peed on over 3000 sticks so far. Ovulation tests. Pregnancy tests. And once in the woods…I don’t know what happened there. But you name it and I’ve probably peed on it…a lot.
I have been poked and prodded and used as a pin cushion for what felt like years. But I wasn’t going to to this. I wasn’t going to have kids.
That’s what I had said…to my husband…my mother in law…my mother…myself. Of course I was lying…I just didn’t know it at the time. I mean is it really lying if you are unaware? I don’t think so…anyway…
From the first time someone asked when my new husband and I were going to have kids my answer was; “Oh, we’re not going to have kids.”
My mother’s friend nodded and said “oh okay” like she knew I was lying. I think at first it was just to shut her up. She was always annoying and I mean after all it was my fracking wedding! I mean , can’t I enjoy being a Mrs, maybe go on a honeymoon…before I think about being a mommy?
But then…I kept saying it. It became a knee jerk reaction. And my hubby was fine with it. I mean what man actually looks to have kids? (Sure there are one or two who actually want them…but don’t most have them cause their wife says it’s time?) And not only did I start to believe it…I was okay with that. I pictured my kidless future with the love of my life. We’d travel the globe completely unencumbered by screaming children. We could go to Disney World and not worry about a character breakfast…unless we wanted to.
But soon enough…I found myself thinking about a child that would be mine. Ours. The thoughts would come and go. Mostly they came after a day spent with my niece and nephew. But, on the way home I would always think “It’s better this way.” I would spoil all the kids in my life. Everyone’s favorite Aunt. And that was okay. It was easier.
In what seemed like an instant it was suddenly very much not okay. It didn’t really happen overnight. It was little things…shopping for a friend’s shower I’d pick up a toy and think “I’ll never need this.” And suddenly I was sad. I’d go to a friend’s baby shower and think “Well this is nice.” Even though I hated showers with a passion so strong I fought against having a bridal shower. (I lost that one.) Visiting another friend in the hospital after the birth of her first child caused an anxiety attack and a depression so deep it sent me running back to my shrink for the first time in years.
But the kicker…the instant I knew that I would never be happy unless I had my own child happened at work, of all places. Shocking place for it to happen but there I was…working. A co-worker needed to bring her son into the office for the day. Instead trying to get things done we were playing with an 18 month old. We got work done while he was taking a nap. And when he was done with his nap he came out of her office yelling my name. I scooped him up in my arms to receive a huge hug. He rested his head in the crook of my neck and then I just knew. I needed to have my own child. There wasn’t a question anymore.
That was well over two years ago. And there is a lot that happened between now and then. Maybe someday I’ll tell you about it.
But now…right now…I’m worried, nervous, anxious and scared. As my “Things About Me” section tells you, I suffer from infertility. A few weeks ago I started my very first IVF cycle. (Yep, my Hubby and I are trying to have a test tube baby, because nothing else has worked. And maybe someday I’ll give you the gory details of that as well…)
Anywho…tomorrow I go for another blood test. Possibly the most important one of all. It’s a pregnancy test. It’s the blood test that will, regardless of the result, change our lives forever.
And it scares the hell out of me.