Strike One

It’s over.

Thursday’s results were bad. My numbers went up…but not nearly enough. The nurse who called with my results said that my doctor was confident that I have an ectopic pregnancy and the best course of action was a methotrexate injection to terminate my pregnancy.

I don’t think I have to tell you I cried pretty much all day Thursday. Well not cried as much as sobbed and screamed all day long. It wasn’t pretty and frankly I’m glad no one was home to see it happen.

After crying myself out, I did some research. After speaking with my doctor, I took a Prozac for the first time in well over a month. (Because there was no way I was going to survive this without it. In reality, I think I should have started taking it again a week ago. I’ve been living my life on the verge of tears even when things were good.) When my husband came home we talked. And after coming up with a list of questions to ask the doctor the next morning we spent the rest of the evening mostly in silence. We were both numb. It’s been a long road. (I’ve also realized that I’ve been doing fertility treatments long enough to have had a child by now if the 1st round of Clomid I took back in September would have worked. That brought on yet another round of sobbing.)

Friday morning we woke up and went to the office. I cried on the way. I cried as we walked into the office. The nurses at my Fertility Clinic were amazing and compassionate. Some even hugging me and telling me that they’ve been where I am and to hang in there, my baby is coming to me. More crying.

We asked all of our questions. My doctor very patiently answered all of them. The most important answer being that; this injection would not harm any eggs I have or prevent future pregnancies in any way.

So I signed the form allowing the doctor to administer the two injections that would terminate the pregnancy for which I waited and prayed for over a year and a half. (One year, seven months and two weeks…but who’s counting?)

So it’s over.

We are taking a break. In fact we don’t have a choice in the matter. Our insurance company will not cover another round of IVF until 2010. So while my doctor says that round two can happen in September, we simply can’t afford it. So we will focus on each other and on the other things live has given us.

And in time, I’ll come up with a plan. I like having plans. It gives me a goal. Makes me feel organized. Gives me a sense of control. These are all things I, a control freak, need. I don’t like being told I can’t do something. This is no different. Some day I will have the child I so desperately want.

So for now I leave you with a request: Please write your senator and urge him to support H.R 697: Family Building Act of 2009. It will help countless couples like my husband and I have the health insurance coverage needed to afford the fertility treatments we need to have our child.

Also check out RESOLVE the National Infertility Association:


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