I’ve been trying to put what I’m feeling about all this into words and I’m finding it very difficult. Which is weird for me because I’m rarely at a loss for words. I keep coming back to two words: Overwhelmingly sad. As much as I think saying more would help me move on …that’s all I have. Overwhelmingly sad.
It isn’t constant anymore. I’ve found I am able to smile without forcing myself. So I’m looking at that as a step forward. But I feel like it’s kinda always there lurking in the background, ready to pounce with a moments notice. And I never really know what it will be that might send me collapsing into tears. It’s hard…with the exception of one friend who is also suffering from infertility and PCOS (we’ll call her IvoryGirl) no one can possibly come close to comprehending the emotions I’ve been experiencing since finding out I had to end my pregnancy last Thursday. (Because of course I’ve cut myself off from my message boards even though they are among the few women who can understand all this.) And yes I did spend the vast majority of Thursday sobbing harder then I ever thought any human could sob. But five days later, I feel like I am in control of the tears, they are no longer a given. That’s a big thing for me.
Yesterday, on my first official day of vacation, I met a girlfriend at the mall. She had her two kids with her. We had lunch. Did some returns I had and we wondered the mall. And overall I think I did okay. I don’t think she really had any clue that holding her children felt like a punch in the gut. Or that I feel like I’m hiding what I’m feeling from everyone in my life. (She is one of my friends that does not know about my recent IVF failure.) Or that by the time we said good bye I was very much ready to be away from the kids. I wanted desperately to go back to my house where I wouldn’t have to hear any child’s laughter. (Cause that’s like a knife to the heart.)
But I survived and got through all day yesterday without any tears. So I guess that’s something.