The Other Shoe

I have to say for the last week…since I found out my beta was negative really…things have been good. I’ve been happy and feeling good.

While I’m generally optimistic (or try to be) but I do tend to look for “the other shoe to drop” when things are good. Just yesterday afternoon I was on the subway and thought to myself, “I wonder how long this will last.”

Well…I got maybe an hour and a half after that before the other shoe fell…

This time it came to my inbox. An email from a friend from college…with a picture attached…titled “Scheduled to arrive December 23rd.” Of course it was an ultrasound picture. I immediately emailed him back congratulating him and his new wife, (yea that’s right they are married under a year) wishing that she was feeling well and things go smoothly.

I spent the rest of the night in a daze…and ended up crying myself to sleep. (Much to my husband’s dismay.) This is the 3rd pregnancy I’ve heard of since my pregnancy ended. And each did cause me to kinda take a deep breath…but after hearing about a co-workers latest ultrasound (his wife is having twins) earlier that day and seeing nothing but pregnant women on the way home…this news tipped the scales and made it all too much to handle.

Add that to the anxiety I have about going to my family reunion this weekend and well crying was just inevitable. (Since our last family reunion last summer there have been 4 babies born. I have successfully avoided seeing them until now. I figure I just have to go and deal.)

I can’t help but wonder…will it ever get easier?

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Faith

As of this past Monday my pregnancy is officially over. My beta levels are negative. While I am relieved that this ordeal is over…at the same time I feel empty, in several ways. I’m also not quite sure what comes next. So all things considered I’m feeling a bit lost.

I’ve never been a religious person…but I have always had a great deal of faith. (I’m one of those people who believe that faith and religion do not always go hand in hand.) So going into my 1st IVF cycle I was confident…I had faith…that after a year and a half of treatments, tears, pain and disappointments if the IVF worked I was not going to be put through a miscarriage. I wouldn’t have to go through that pain…I’d been through enough.

Apparently I was very much wrong. And it broke any faith I had…in ways I didn’t even realize my faith could be broken.

In an attempt to keep moving forward I’ve thrown myself into my job, even if there isn’t always much to do. I’ve also returned to following the Weight Watchers plan. I’ve lost 8.6 pounds — from the high I hit while on all of those medications. Physically I am feeling better then I have in a very long time. And that usually goes a long way to how I am doing mentally. At this point I think I am doing well…better then I or my husband ever thought I would be doing. I haven’t needed the Xanex prescription that my shrink prescribed in well over a week. Which is always a good sign…and I seem to be able to look at pregnant women and children without a knot forming in my stomach most of the time. Also a good sign.

But that feeling of being empty…that is persistent. I am unsure of how to fix it. Part of me hopes if I ignore it enough it’ll just go away. And in the meantime I am trying to formulate a plan for what comes next on this wild and wacky infertility journey. Because damn it I am going to have a child of my own someday. Losing weight is part of it…just about everyone will tell you losing weight and being healthy will help…hell it can’t hurt right? I have to make an appointment with my RE to discuss our next steps. I also have to call my insurance company to see what, if any, money we have left for IVF treatments this year.

But in reality…all I want right now is for today to be over. Here’s hoping the afternoon meeting I have goes quickly.

Been a while…

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything…a lot has happened…a mini breakdown, the actual miscarriage, a family vacation, and a new job are just some of the things that have been happening in my life the last few weeks. Now that I’m back to a routine I will be posting about all of it in the coming days.

But I wanted to thank those of you who kept checking on me…and to tell you to stay tuned…there’s more to come…