Two Weeks!!

OMG I just realized that it’s been two weeks since I’ve posted anything!

Work has been insanely busy. And as we are preparing to put our house on the market I’ve been busy at night too. (Or just too tired to deal with anything but vegging out on the couch.)

So much is going on though…more to come soon!

One Lovely Blog Award

Well I’ll be…I have received the One Lovely Blog Award!

I thank Teejay for the nomination. I am touched.

Instructions:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I don’t read nearly enough blogs but here’s who gets me through the day…

Inconceivable!

My Adventures in Baby Making

on and ongoing Even if she hasn’t posted in a long time!

This Has to be a Cruel Joke, Right?

So my baby brother called me at home last night. Slightly odd, cause he doesn’t call me at home unless he has something to tell me. So we chatted for a bit. I could hear his hesitation….he was dancing around and leading up to something…something he wasn’t sure how to tell me.

He kept saying “it’s been really crazy around here.” Then it hit me…my SIL was pregnant. I took a deep breath and swore to myself that I would not cry and would be happy for them. Moments later he confirmed just that; “Well the thing is, she’s six and a half weeks pregnant.”

Don’t’ forget to breathe…keep breathing…. I told myself, as I (hopefully) told him how great it was that they were going to have a baby. I asked all the appropriate questions. And so he went on…and gave me all the details. My SIL went off the pill in May (as I was going through IVF) to prepare to start trying and it just happened. For a while my SIL was worried that something was wrong and didn’t even think that she might be pregnant so it was all a huge shock.

I hope that I responded properly. I hope that the overwhelming sadness, that seemed to grow exponentially the longer we stayed on the phone, wasn’t apparent to him. (Although he does tend to see right through me.)

After we were finished talking I talked to my SIL and congratulated her. She lamented that she’s still in shock because this wasn’t her “plan”. (My SIL is big on the planning of things.) I comforted her and assured her it would all be fine, that you can’t always plan for everything and that this will be wonderful. She told me she was excited but still in shock and worried since it is so early. (Well I can relate to that one.)

We hung up. Immediately I grabbed the wall for support, crouched down and sobbed. I sobbed loud and hard. I hyperventilated. (A first for me.) Within moments NewsBoy was lifting me up and pulling me into his arms. After a few minutes I went looking for a tissue and ended up in our bedroom. I sat on the bed, pulled my legs up to my chest and sobbed some more. NewsBoy was right behind me, sat next to me and listened to me scream and cry for I don’t even know how long.

And of course, as always, he was amazing and the fact that he was able to watch me like that makes me love him even more.

I cried on and off all night and eventually exhausted myself to the point of sleep.

This morning brought a new wave of emotions. Between feeling sorry for us, guilt for being upset, and anger at the fact that things are always so easy for my brother…well it’s amazing I was able to get out the door and get myself to work. (I very nearly got right back into bed when the milk curdled in my coffee this morning…more and more I’m truly convinced that someone up there has it in for me.)

And I’m still a ball of emotions, and kinda numb…but I’ve also realized today that I’m not nearly as okay with the loss of my pregnancy as I thought. I’m not so sure what do to with that.

So I’ve called the financial coordinator at the Fertility Clinic to help determine if we can afford another round of IVF this year. And so NewsBoy and I will talk about that tonight.

But I seem to be in this cycle of emotions…sadness…guilt…anger… hopelessness…and I just can’t seem to bring myself to be happy or excited that I have another niece or nephew coming. (Which of course brings on more guilt.) Because every time I think about when their baby is due I think to myself that my baby should be two months older than theirs.

And that just makes me sad.

Surviving the Day

Here is one of those posts I started while visiting Migraineland…

Every year for the past 8 years my mother’s extended family gathers in a bungalow colony at the edge of the Catskills for a family reunion. When all of us are present we exceed 30 people. (Kids included.) This year we are plus four…all about 9-10 months old. Frankly I had been preparing to meet them at this year’s reunion since they were all born last fall (within 3 weeks of each other)…but I’ve really been gearing up since the miscarriage. Because, while I was able to avoid the majority of family functions since last fall…this one isn’t an option for me. It is the one time of year that everyone is there. Yes, things do pop up…but it’s really the one thing a year everyone seems to get to…so unless one of us is sick we go.

For the most part I think I did pretty well. No one (other than NewsBoy that is) even knew I was upset when I inevitably got upset. And I had a good time.

There was really only one thing that nearly sent me into NewsBoy’s arms in tears. (I was able to pull myself together without tears.) Yes there were moments when I felt sorry for myself…seeing new grandparents giddy while playing with new grandkids in a kiddie pool, thinking that should be my parents…when one baby was thrust into my arms and giggled…when I realized that had I not miscarried I would have been pregnant enough to announce my pregnancy to my family…when my inner monologue lamented “that will never be me.” But over all I was able to enjoy the time with my family.

Of course, I didn’t get through the day without incident. Upon arrival, one cousin screamed “Oh my how this family is growing by leaps and bounds!” Okay, so that was a bit harsh. But when she then turned to me and quietly said, “With no help from you.” Well it’s quite the miracle I didn’t punch her. (I’ve since found out that my SIL, who only heard the first part, also nearly punched her.)

Although in full disclosure she – like most of my extended family – has no idea I want children, never mind that I am infertile. But still…that one hurt a lot. This specific cousin however gets more blunt and tactless the older she gets…I also like her less and less as the years go by. I’m sure you have a relative just like her. She’s the one who is obsessed with everyone else’s business and always has something to say about everything.

But I survived the day. And really I think it was an important step for me.

No Flip Flops on the Subway!

So funny story…but first a bit of back story…I have a thing where I just don’t wear flip flops in the subway. It scheves me out to no end. So I don’t do it…I bring them in my pocketbook or leave them in the office. No matter what I do, I wear sneakers while commuting.

So last night I went to a happy hour for a friend/co-worker who is moving to L.A. I left about quarter to 9. And my work wife told me I should “just try” wearing flip flops on the subway. “You’ll be fine.” she promised. So I was just buzzed enough to listen to her. On my way to the subway I bought myself an ice cream cone from a Mr. Softy truck. Walked down the stairs into the subway to find the train pulling up. So I sped up a bit to catch it. Half a step from the train I slipped on something (probably the ice cream that was melting! This is thanks to the lack of traction my flip flops have) and nearly fell between the train and the platform. Immediately the top of my foot was bruised and swollen. This morning it hurt to put on my sneaker!

And that is why I don’t wear flip flops on the subway.