So my baby brother called me at home last night. Slightly odd, cause he doesn’t call me at home unless he has something to tell me. So we chatted for a bit. I could hear his hesitation….he was dancing around and leading up to something…something he wasn’t sure how to tell me.
He kept saying “it’s been really crazy around here.” Then it hit me…my SIL was pregnant. I took a deep breath and swore to myself that I would not cry and would be happy for them. Moments later he confirmed just that; “Well the thing is, she’s six and a half weeks pregnant.”
Don’t’ forget to breathe…keep breathing…. I told myself, as I (hopefully) told him how great it was that they were going to have a baby. I asked all the appropriate questions. And so he went on…and gave me all the details. My SIL went off the pill in May (as I was going through IVF) to prepare to start trying and it just happened. For a while my SIL was worried that something was wrong and didn’t even think that she might be pregnant so it was all a huge shock.
I hope that I responded properly. I hope that the overwhelming sadness, that seemed to grow exponentially the longer we stayed on the phone, wasn’t apparent to him. (Although he does tend to see right through me.)
After we were finished talking I talked to my SIL and congratulated her. She lamented that she’s still in shock because this wasn’t her “plan”. (My SIL is big on the planning of things.) I comforted her and assured her it would all be fine, that you can’t always plan for everything and that this will be wonderful. She told me she was excited but still in shock and worried since it is so early. (Well I can relate to that one.)
We hung up. Immediately I grabbed the wall for support, crouched down and sobbed. I sobbed loud and hard. I hyperventilated. (A first for me.) Within moments NewsBoy was lifting me up and pulling me into his arms. After a few minutes I went looking for a tissue and ended up in our bedroom. I sat on the bed, pulled my legs up to my chest and sobbed some more. NewsBoy was right behind me, sat next to me and listened to me scream and cry for I don’t even know how long.
And of course, as always, he was amazing and the fact that he was able to watch me like that makes me love him even more.
I cried on and off all night and eventually exhausted myself to the point of sleep.
This morning brought a new wave of emotions. Between feeling sorry for us, guilt for being upset, and anger at the fact that things are always so easy for my brother…well it’s amazing I was able to get out the door and get myself to work. (I very nearly got right back into bed when the milk curdled in my coffee this morning…more and more I’m truly convinced that someone up there has it in for me.)
And I’m still a ball of emotions, and kinda numb…but I’ve also realized today that I’m not nearly as okay with the loss of my pregnancy as I thought. I’m not so sure what do to with that.
So I’ve called the financial coordinator at the Fertility Clinic to help determine if we can afford another round of IVF this year. And so NewsBoy and I will talk about that tonight.
But I seem to be in this cycle of emotions…sadness…guilt…anger… hopelessness…and I just can’t seem to bring myself to be happy or excited that I have another niece or nephew coming. (Which of course brings on more guilt.) Because every time I think about when their baby is due I think to myself that my baby should be two months older than theirs.
And that just makes me sad.