How Do I Move On?

As of today my SIL is officially 12 weeks pregnant.

So of course, as they are safely through the first trimester and the baby is healthy, they are going to start telling people. As luck (or maybe someone just wants me to be in pain) would have it Rosh Hashanah starts tonight. Tonight NewsBoy and I will be with his family. Tomorrow we will be with mine. My Brother and SIL plan on telling people at the very large family dinner tomorrow night. My Mom (being the saint she is and knowing I do not do well with surprises) warned me that they were planning on this. I cried on and off all night, and am fighting tears as I type. I cried myself to sleep (After taking half a Xanex).

But here’s what I’ve realized…I am no where near okay with or “over” (for lack of a better word) the miscarriage I had in July. I am still overwhelmingly sad about it. Hell today, I feel a bit like I’m drowning in it.

Although I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that I’ve also realized that I’m not angry with them or anything like that…just overwhelmingly sad for me and NewsBoy. And it is that sadness that is preventing me from being happy and excited for them. My heart wants to be happy for them…I just can’t get past the sadness that seems to be surrounding it.

So please…how do you move on? How do you get to a place where you are okay?

Well…I Won’t Be Bored…

It has been a hectic few weeks to say the least.

Since finding out my brother and my SIL were going to have a baby, NewsBoy and I have spent just about every waking moment getting our house ready to be on the market. I’m thrilled to report that we are finally on the market as of Sunday! So we have that and house hunting on our “To Do” list.

Of course, in my life, when it rains it pours. We not only got our house on the market Sunday but AF showed up. I dutifully called the RE’s office to report Day 1, of course it being late afternoon on a Sunday I had to leave a message with the service. With in half an hour my favorite nurse Margaret called me back. She ran through dates and instructions with me. I was to start BCP’s today and add Lupron on September 22nd. My last BCP will be September 28th. I’m to go in for bloodwork and an ultrasound on October 1st to see when Stims can start.

So IVF Round 2 is a go!

Oh…and did I mention that my busiest time at work starts on September 28th and goes until the first week in December? Yea…well it does.

So just to recap for those of you playing at home…currently I am trying to sell my home, trying to find a home to buy, insanely busy at work through early December AND gearing up for my 2nd round of IVF treatments.

That should keep me busy for a while. Don’tcha think?

Clarity

Okay so I started writing this on Thursday, August 27th. Just to give you some context…I’ve put dates in the parenthesis below.

Now that I’ve had some time to process my SIL’s pregnancy, I am happy for them. Can’t quite muster excited, but I figure happy is a step up from the shock, anger and sadness that I was dealing with a couple of weeks ago.

The truth of the matter is that I wouldn’t wish infertility treatments on anyone. No one should have to be treated like a pin cushion. No one should have to go to such emotional and exhausting extremes to have a biological child. Before I knew that she was pregnant I hoped with all my might that they wouldn’t have to suffer through infertility. (My SIL’s brother and his wife also needed fertility treatments to have their children.). So I guess I got that hope.

It was once I had remembered I didn’t want this for them that I was able to let go of the anger and work towards happy.

As for me…I went back to the RE to talk about another round of IVF. (Yep I went in reaction to my brother’s news…but we were thinking about it anyway.) We reviewed the last cycle and decided that we would try the same protocol the second time around. They took some bloodwork to see if I had ovulated or if I could start BCP right away.

The nurse called the next day with the news that I would have to wait for a period. She also said I’d I didn’t have my period by Wednesday of the next week (Wednesday, August 26th) I should come back in for more bloodwork. With that information I made the assumption that I HAD already ovulated. Not so much. I was, as the bloodwork I took a week later (Thursday, August 27th) told me, just about to ovulate. Frankly I’m a bit peeved the nurse last week wasn’t more specific but I was fully ready to go through a second round of IVF so I was able to let it go fairly quickly.

So now…we wait.