The Dirty Dozen

I was talking to my mom last night as I drove home from work and realized something…with this last BFN I have officially had 12 BFNs since I went off the pill two years ago. (There were some 3 month long cycles in there.)

Not really sure what to do with that realization….but I just thought I’d throw it out there into cyberspace.

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The Morning After

So while I’m still overwhelmingly sad that this cycle didn’t work I am feeling a bit better about things. (Okay so there were 2 glasses of wine, 2 Xanex and a Prozac in there somewhere…sue me.) I’ve even realized a few things. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1) This BFN is, in a way, better (easier) then my last failed cycle. Last cycle I got pregnant and miscarried. For a while there…however brief it was…I was going to have a baby. I even (stupidly) went online and found out what my due date would have been. (Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!) For those of you playing at home…I’ll be needing a lot of extra love on February 16th.

2) I CAN breathe. After finding out in June that my pregnancy wasn’t going to go the distance breathing was hard. Smiling was hard. Everything was hard. I felt like a zombie most of the time. It was like there was this weight on my heart. Hell, I’m not sure that it’s gone even now. I’m not sure that it will ever go away. But I don’t have that this time. This is more sad and feeling sorry for myself that we went through everything that goes with an IVF cycle for nothing. So that’s something…right?

3) I am not in any way ready to give up on having our child. I gave that some serious thought. It’s pretty much all I’ve thought about since I typed it last night. Since I found out I wasn’t pregnant really. Could I live my life childless? I’m sure I could…if I had to. And that I think is the key. I’m not ready to give up on our child. Which leads me to…

4) IVF # 3…I have called my clinic and scheduled my follow up appointment. Now we have to wait until 2010 because we are out of insurance but come January we will do this again. But I think there will be a few changes. I’m going to switch doctors within my practice. I started with a doctor who has since left the practice. When she left the other two (male) doctors split up her patients. They have since hired a new female doctor. I adore her and have asked for her to be my doctor. I also will discuss with her at length my staying on the Prozac while going through IVF and pregnancy. I’ve read the studies and after two cycles of living on the edge of tears and not being able to focus…I think it’s time I just accept that I need this medication no matter what.

5) I’m a very lucky woman. (Okay so I knew that but stay with me…) I have several amazing support groups. My ladies on my message boards, who continue to amaze me with their strength and compassion. The friends and family who do know what NewsBoy and I are going through have been wonderful in their support of us. My WorkWives make it easier to go to work and deal with the insanity every single day. Without them I’m not sure what I would do, their friendship is like air to me. And last, but certainly not least, I have NewsBoy. This man seems to have infinite amounts of love and patience for me. When I said that I knew I wasn’t pregnant yesterday morning without even pausing he said “so we try again.” And last night when I said I wasn’t sure I could do this again without even pausing he said “so we stop.” even though at this point he wants a child (or our spawn as he lovingly refers to our future child) as much as I do. I love him more and more every day.

And now…I think I will just go sit on the couch and watch some really bad daytime TV. I mean what’s a mental health day without Susan Lucci right?

There Are No Words…

They don’t have words for this. The debilitating and overwhelming sadness that you feel every time the nurse calls to tell you that she’s sorry but you aren’t pregnant. It is completely 100% all consuming. It’s all I can see, all I can feel, all that is in my head. It has tainted every single thought I have.

I think maybe we need new definitions for what it is that we go through…perhaps an Infertility dictionary would help the rest of the world comprehend this? It’s just a thought. (Maybe it’ll stop people from asking if we are having kids. I’m pretty sure the next person who asks me is gonna get an earful.)

Of course I’ve been here before…way too much. I went off the pill in November of 2007. November 8th to be precise. So in about a week I’ll have my second anniversary of trying to conceive my first child. I spent the first year trying to regulate my cycle. When it was clear that wouldn’t work my OB/GYN started me on Clomid. That was a year ago this past September. So after a year of fertility treatments, and that 2nd anniversary looming in about a week today’s news hit me that much harder.

I can’t think straight about anything. And with so much else going on in my life this is not a good thing. I keep thinking in the same circle. You know the one…cause if you have been doing this for any amount of time you’ve thought these things too.

You know the “maybe if this wasn’t such a stressful time it would have worked.” Or the ever popular “maybe my body just won’t accept or hold a pregnancy.” And my favorite “maybe I just have to accept I don’t get to have kids.”

Yep that’s just a sampling of my current downward spiral. Good times, right?

I actually chickened out earlier…I called the voice mail to check it, heard that there was a message and promptly hung up on it. I told NewsBoy that there was a message. “Do you want me to check it?” I honestly didn’t know. Somewhere inside I knew that I wasn’t pregnant…that yesterday’s HPT was correct…but this would have made it real. As long as a nurse didn’t tell me anything there was still a possibility…no matter how remote.

Of course, NewsBoy checked it. I had run to the bathroom to try and collect myself and psych myself up so I wouldn’t break down completely when I got the news. (Yea that didn’t work at all by the way.) I got back to my desk to learn that NewsBoy had gone to lunch. So I grabbed my phone and went to my favorite hiding spot…the stairwell. I texted “did you check it?” His answer…”Do you really want to know?” Honestly I didn’t know and said as much. He told me, and well tears ensued. I texted a co-worker (not the work wife I’ve mentioned before but someone who I’ve worked with for years and is a friend in addition to a co-worker…we’ll call her Work Wife 2) She brought me more tissues and comforted me. I was able to pull it together enough to drive home. (Although there were some points where there is just no way I should have been driving. I kept talking to myself the whole ride home “you can do this…just a little longer…just keep it together…almost home.”)

When I finally arrived home I texted NewsBoy and my friend to let them know I was home safe. I dropped my things and walked to our bedroom and immediately collapsed into a puddle of tears and sorrow right there on the floor, clutching to the bed. Somehow I got into my pajamas and onto the bed. After a few more texts with NewsBoy I lay down and just cried. I’m not sure how long that went on…at some point I fell asleep. (Thank you Xanex.) The next thing I was aware of was NewsBoy crawling into bed with me and pulling me close.

I cried on and off all night. We watched some TV. We talked. I cried. We talked some more. I admitted that I’m not so sure I can do another IVF cycle. This cycle specifically was hard. I reacted to the drugs differently; the embryo transfer was very difficult and lasted over a half an hour (and that was just for the doc to get the catheter in the right place!) I just don’t know that I can do this to myself again.

But the question remains…can I live without a child?

Perhaps I just focus on one thing at a time. I’ve decided a mental health day is in order. I’m staying home tomorrow, so I’m free to cry all I want. Maybe I’ll call my shrink. Although I’m not so sure what he can do to help me with this one?

It’s about 1:30 in the morning now…I’m going to try and get some sleep. (Thanks to another Xanex I’m calm enough now to fall asleep I think.)

Good night.

The Waiting Game

I am SO not good at this. Especially after a night of not really sleeping. I hate waiting. But when you add in exhaustion and hormonal well there really is nothing worse you could do to me right now. (Okay so I’m 100% sure that is over-dramatic but bear with me…I’m having a rough time. Although I do have one co-worker who is trying to push me to the limit.)

I think part of me knows that this round didn’t work. I said as much to NewsBoy this morning. He answered simply “Then we try again.”

But in this moment I’m not sure I can do this again.

So we’ll wait…and hope…and I’ll try not to cry at my desk.