So while I’m still overwhelmingly sad that this cycle didn’t work I am feeling a bit better about things. (Okay so there were 2 glasses of wine, 2 Xanex and a Prozac in there somewhere…sue me.) I’ve even realized a few things. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
1) This BFN is, in a way, better (easier) then my last failed cycle. Last cycle I got pregnant and miscarried. For a while there…however brief it was…I was going to have a baby. I even (stupidly) went online and found out what my due date would have been. (Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!) For those of you playing at home…I’ll be needing a lot of extra love on February 16th.
2) I CAN breathe. After finding out in June that my pregnancy wasn’t going to go the distance breathing was hard. Smiling was hard. Everything was hard. I felt like a zombie most of the time. It was like there was this weight on my heart. Hell, I’m not sure that it’s gone even now. I’m not sure that it will ever go away. But I don’t have that this time. This is more sad and feeling sorry for myself that we went through everything that goes with an IVF cycle for nothing. So that’s something…right?
3) I am not in any way ready to give up on having our child. I gave that some serious thought. It’s pretty much all I’ve thought about since I typed it last night. Since I found out I wasn’t pregnant really. Could I live my life childless? I’m sure I could…if I had to. And that I think is the key. I’m not ready to give up on our child. Which leads me to…
4) IVF # 3…I have called my clinic and scheduled my follow up appointment. Now we have to wait until 2010 because we are out of insurance but come January we will do this again. But I think there will be a few changes. I’m going to switch doctors within my practice. I started with a doctor who has since left the practice. When she left the other two (male) doctors split up her patients. They have since hired a new female doctor. I adore her and have asked for her to be my doctor. I also will discuss with her at length my staying on the Prozac while going through IVF and pregnancy. I’ve read the studies and after two cycles of living on the edge of tears and not being able to focus…I think it’s time I just accept that I need this medication no matter what.
5) I’m a very lucky woman. (Okay so I knew that but stay with me…) I have several amazing support groups. My ladies on my message boards, who continue to amaze me with their strength and compassion. The friends and family who do know what NewsBoy and I are going through have been wonderful in their support of us. My WorkWives make it easier to go to work and deal with the insanity every single day. Without them I’m not sure what I would do, their friendship is like air to me. And last, but certainly not least, I have NewsBoy. This man seems to have infinite amounts of love and patience for me. When I said that I knew I wasn’t pregnant yesterday morning without even pausing he said “so we try again.” And last night when I said I wasn’t sure I could do this again without even pausing he said “so we stop.” even though at this point he wants a child (or our spawn as he lovingly refers to our future child) as much as I do. I love him more and more every day.
And now…I think I will just go sit on the couch and watch some really bad daytime TV. I mean what’s a mental health day without Susan Lucci right?