NewsBoy and I do an every other year thing for Thanksgiving. (You know, one year with his family, the next with mine.) This year we are with my family.
Thanksgiving with my family comes with a caveat. We go to a cousin’s house. Now this cousin has a roommate (LONG STORY SHORT…two women who have been friends for as long as I can remember…own a house together…each adopted a child when they hit 40. But they didn’t adopt together. They are not a couple. Regardless my family refers to this roommate as a “cousin”. I have spoken of this “cousin” here.) So Thanksgiving with my family includes her very large family as well. I admit fully and completely that my family can be very loud, but we’ve got nothing on this “cousin’s” family. They are loud. And obnoxious. They also at this point feel comfortable enough with my family to ask and say whatever it is they want.
For the first time in a very long time my brother and I are on the same Thanksgiving schedule. In addition to this…my Aunt, Uncle and cousins are going to be up from Florida for the holiday weekend. So for the first time in possibly a decade my mother will have not only all of her kids together but her brother and niece and nephew all in the same place.
I honestly don’t know that I can do this. I don’t know that I can go to this house and listen to the, what I’m sure will be incessant, talk of my SIL’s pregnancy. I don’t think I can put on a happy face and pretend to be excited for them when the abyss of sadness goes with me everywhere. I don’t think I can fake it all afternoon and evening. Because while I am happy for them…that’s all I’ve got…I can’t seem to muster excited…and it reminds me of the bitter and angry person I’ve become. I’m also 100% positive that my Uncle will see right through me and I’ll end up having to tell him what we are going through. I don’t know that I want to share this with anyone else. I go back and forth on it constantly. But I’m at the point where I think that no one will know when my next round of IVF will be. I can’t deal with the looks and sounds of pity I get every time my body fails to do what it is supposed to do.
I’ve said as much to my mother. The first time we spoke after I got the last BFN I said that I wasn’t sure I could go to Thanksgiving. Being the saint she is she of course told me to do whatever it is I need to do.
So I’m not sure what to do. Whether or not I go to Thanksgiving I will see my Aunt, Uncle, cousins and the “cousins” who host Thanksgiving. The Saturday after Thanksgiving we will all be getting together for a surprise early birthday dinner for my Mom. So any which way you slice it I will have to deal with my family…but the question is just how much I can handle?
So what do you think? Do I go to Thanksgiving?