So Sorry

HI friends. I have been neglectful of my blog the last week. Between finishing my job (yep I’m unemployed!) and the holiday…well sitting at the computer hasn’t happened.

But here are the down and dirty details. The spotting was “nothing to be concerned about”. I went to the RE for poking and prodding last Tuesday the 22nd. I measured 6 weeks 5 days and heard the heartbeat. Amazing just doesn’t cover it.

Fast Forward…I survived the holiday with my in laws. It turns out that being in my condition gets me pretty much anything I want from them. This is new…and interesting.

Had my first OB appointment on Monday. They took an obscene amount of blood. I went back on Tuesday for my first ultrasound. I measured 8 week! Apparently time in my uterus moves faster then on the outside. But things look great.

I’m beginning to believe.

For now though I have to run…have to meet some of NewsBoy’s family for lunch.

I’ll be back soon! Thanks for continuing to check in!

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Belated Poking & Prodding: Part Deux Update…with a little freaking out

So last Thursday’s Poking and Prodding went really well. My beta went up to 21,943 and we were able to see the beginnings of a heartbeat. I was flying high.

But my world came crashing down this morning…I’m spotting.

Yes, it’s just brown. And no there isn’t any cramping. But I am terrified. When I called the RE, Margaret got on the phone with me. As long as there isn’t any cramping and the spotting doesn’t get heavier or change color it’s all normal. Just to be safe I have to go in tomorrow morning.

I am seriously freaking out

Poking & Prodding

So I went for some poking and prodding this morning. I just got the blood work results…but I’ll get to that in a moment.

The ultrasound…the doctor checked to make sure that the embryo wasn’t in either tube or “anywhere it isn’t supposed to be.” And it wasn’t. It was exactly where it is supposed to be. He showed me and NewsBoy a tiny sac and measured it.

I actually asked if I was really pregnant.

He said yes. I started crying.

I am at the same time scared, nervous, hesitant, excited, happy, shocked and about a million other things.

But about that 2nd Beta level. It was 3600. Not the doubling that they were hoping for but when combined with the estrogen and progesterone levels (both of which were “very good”…progesterone even went up.) and the ultrasound my doctor was “very happy” and not concerned at all.

You know I had to ask though right?

“Since the beta didn’t double does that mean I need to worry?” I asked.

She told me again that the doctor wasn’t worried and I could be cautiously optimistic at this point. (I hate that phrase. See here to find out why.) But she went on to say that they aren’t worried so I shouldn’t be. They will tell me when and if I need to worry. So hearing that made me feel a bit better. They want me back next Thursday for my 3rd beta and another ultrasound. (OMG! Can I make it that far without freaking out!?)

But my overwhelming emotion right now is just scared.

The Truth is…

I am terrified.

NewsBoy and I will go tomorrow morning for my 2nd Beta and an ultrasound.

I still can’t quite believe this is real….so how can I possibly be getting an ultrasound tomorrow morning? The cramps I’m having just mean that I’m going to get my period, right? It’s not anything growing inside me. It can’t be. It just doesn’t make sense. After a year of fertility treatments how is this even possible that I ovulated on my own? Never mind that we timed things properly without paying attention to anything.

Then for a moment I do believe that this is real and then I panic…what if it all goes bad…again? Will I survive that?

I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I’m sitting at my desk at work trying SO hard to focus on what I need to be doing. I just can’t. All I can think about is my uterus and what might be going on in there. It just doesn’t feel real. I can’t wrap my head around this at all.

Yes…I’m peeing like it’s my job. Yes…I am experiencing cramping that feels more like stretching and pulling then menstrual cramps. Yes…my boobs are killing me. Yes…I’m seemingly constantly hungry and tired. But that’s just PMS. Right?

More than anything right now I just want today to be over…I want to be home with NewsBoy. I want to crawl into bed so tomorrow can come and maybe I can start to believe.

I Guess It’s True…

I didn’t sleep last night. Basically I just watched the clock from about 1:00 am until the alarm went off at about 7:00 am. I tossed…I turned…I stared at the ceiling. All night long just one thought went through my mind.

“Is this real? Or is this just a really vivid and cruel dream?”

So I got out of bed with the alarm and got in the shower. I got dressed. I dried my hair. I got in the car and drove to the fertility clinic. I barely got the chance to sit down when Margaret called me for bloodwork. We chatted a bit while she took my blood. I told her I was in shock (still am). She promised that no matter what the results were they’d help get me through it. She told me that she’d call some time between 1 and 3 this afternoon.

Well the phone rang at 11:57.

My beta level is 2,393!

“Margaret, what does this mean?” I asked.

“It means that you are a good 4 to 6 weeks pregnant.”

Shock. That’s all I have right now…shock. (And an appointment for more blood work and an ultrasound on Friday)