Updates & Uncertainty

I’ve spent the last few weeks in a bubble that has nothing to do with TTC. It was nice. I focused on my job, the sale of our condo and the purchase of our house. Both sales went through (finally!) and we moved about a week before Thanksgiving. Hooray!!

We’re still settling in…but as of this moment all of our new furniture and our new washer and dryer have all been delivered. Settling in can take as much time as I want. The gig I’m currently on is coming to an end, so things are quieting down at work. I’ll be unemployed after the end of this month. (This is just the way things work with what I do…it was expected.)

So for the first time in I don’t even know how long every single thought in my head wasn’t about TTC. (That’s not to say that I haven’t been thinking about wanting a child of my own with every waking moment.)

I did end up “coming out” to my Uncle and Aunt…but not my cousins. Well, blurted out was more like it. (My poor Uncle had to call my Mom and get clarification on a couple of things.) But my Aunt and Uncle now know the basics…that we’ve been trying for two years and have been going through fertility treatments for over a year and that I’ve had 2 IVF cycles. And as it turns out…their daughter (the cousin who is like my baby sister) took 3 years to conceive. I had a wonderful conversation with my Aunt. She told me a bit about her struggles. She also said that the one things she learned was that you shouldn’t ask why…because you’ll never know. That’s probably really good advice. She also told me that my time was coming. For once that statement didn’t annoy me, because she’s been where I am to some extent. But the lesson was that in coming out to my Aunt and Uncle not only did I find more support but I learned that even within my family I am not alone. That helps…more than I thought it would.

Thanksgiving itself was actually nice. I initiated games on their Wii almost as soon as we got there. It helped to keep me distracted. My SIL is visibly pregnant. That took the air right out of my lungs and sent me straight for the wine. I think I downed two glasses before I felt like I could breathe. There was quite a bit of talk and excitement about her pregnancy, but it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Having my Aunt and Uncle there in addition to my parents was helpful. All in all it wasn’t horrible and I survived.

I’ve come to realize (just now in fact) that I “survive” things more and more rather than just experiencing and enjoying them. I survived the family reunion over the summer. I survived being told by my baby brother and best friend about pregnancies. I survived my Godson’s 1st birthday party. I survived Thanksgiving. I survived the family dinner that we had on Saturday night to celebrate my Mom’s birthday. How much more will I have to survive before it really is my turn?

Anyway…while I have been living in this non-TTC bubble….the pain, the loss and the abyss of sadness are all still there. I think that maybe I’m just dealing with it better. Or maybe I’m just ignoring it better. Or maybe I’m just medicated.

But my point is that I didn’t even realize any of that until the RE’s office called yesterday afternoon to pull me right out of my bubble. Because you see it’s CD 33…Aunt Flo should have shown her ugly face by now and she’s no where to be found. So my favorite nurse (Margaret) called to see if I still wanted to go ahead with the PGD and IVF cycle. She has some forms she needs me to sign if we’re going ahead with the PGD.

“Margaret,” I said “What is PGD?”

She went on to explain that this was the testing my RE and I talked about after my last failed cycle. PGD (Preimplantation genetic diagnosis) is basically a test run on the embryos after fertilization and before implantation to see if there are genetic abnormalities. I’m still researching…

The last conversation I had with my RE is honestly a big blur. He told me all about this PGD stuff and how he wanted to integrate it into the protocol for my next IVF Cycle. I can’t remember any of it. I don’t remember the pros. I don’t remember the cons. I just remember that he thinks at this point genetic abnormalities are the reason neither IVF cycle worked for us. (And just so ya know…this added step will, of course, add to the cost of the IVF cycle.)

But I keep coming back to my reaction immediately following my finding out that I wasn’t pregnant.

I just don’t know that I can do this again. I don’t know how I justify spending all this money when I don’t know when my next job starts. I don’t know that I can keep doing this…the highs and lows of having all those hormones in my system…the anxiety and anticipation that just exists with an IVF cycle. I don’t know that I can handle constantly updating the people who know I’m in a cycle and all the questions that come with that. I don’t know that I can survive another negative beta…or worse a miscarriage.

But I don’t know if I can accept a childless life. Hell…just the thought forces the air from my lungs and sends me to the bottom of the abyss.

So I’m feeling a bit (okay a lot) lost. I just don’t know…


2 thoughts on “Updates & Uncertainty

  1. We do seem to just survive things, don’t we? I’m glad you have found some support among your family. It can make a world of difference. Moving on can be such a hard decision. It’s almost easier to sit in limbo sometimes I think. And then to have the added complication of PGD testing to the mix must be really tough for you.

    I hope things get a little clearer for you. I’m thinking of you.

  2. We did PGD with our 4th cycle. It wasn’t a successful cycle, but it was really helpful to asses the embryos. I really love what you said about “surviving” things rather than experiencing them. I think everyone who’s been through IF feels that way. I can’t remember the last event I didn’t just go through the motions. I hope you have a better winter holiday than you did a Thanksgiving.

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