I am terrified.
NewsBoy and I will go tomorrow morning for my 2nd Beta and an ultrasound.
I still can’t quite believe this is real….so how can I possibly be getting an ultrasound tomorrow morning? The cramps I’m having just mean that I’m going to get my period, right? It’s not anything growing inside me. It can’t be. It just doesn’t make sense. After a year of fertility treatments how is this even possible that I ovulated on my own? Never mind that we timed things properly without paying attention to anything.
Then for a moment I do believe that this is real and then I panic…what if it all goes bad…again? Will I survive that?
I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I’m sitting at my desk at work trying SO hard to focus on what I need to be doing. I just can’t. All I can think about is my uterus and what might be going on in there. It just doesn’t feel real. I can’t wrap my head around this at all.
Yes…I’m peeing like it’s my job. Yes…I am experiencing cramping that feels more like stretching and pulling then menstrual cramps. Yes…my boobs are killing me. Yes…I’m seemingly constantly hungry and tired. But that’s just PMS. Right?
More than anything right now I just want today to be over…I want to be home with NewsBoy. I want to crawl into bed so tomorrow can come and maybe I can start to believe.