Exhaustion

I’ve got maybe two or three different posts floating around my head. Random topics and relevant ones as well but i can’t seem to focus enough to get them out.

I’ve been dealing with insomnia. In addition to my insomnia I’m also experiencing severe hip and lower back pain. Enough for me to complain about it. I tend not to complain about pain…I have a high threshold due to two herniated discs in my neck. So pain and numbness aren’t new to me. I’ve been dealing with them for over a decade.

This is different. Sitting…standing…lying down…it hurts. And it’s keeping me awake. Or I should say that it’s waking me up. Once I’m awake…be it 10pm or 2am I’m just awake for the duration.

I went to the doctor about a week ago…after two straight nights of not sleeping at all I realized that something had to change. I go to a group…all but one of whom I like. So of course since it was an “emergency” visit, I had to see the one doctor I really can’t stand. (And that is putting it mildly.) This specific doctor has no bedside manor at all. In fact…he’s a dick. (Again…that’s putting it very mildly.) He’s one of those men who thinks that women are nothing but a vessel for a child. Pregnancy pains and related issues are something to just deal with as far as he is concerned. No matter how bad they are.

So when he finally came into the exam room I was waiting in he said “There’s nothing I can do. You really just have to deal with it, it’s part of pregnancy.” Didn’t even say hello.

I am WELL aware that aches and pains are part of pregnancy. But when said aches and pains are keeping you from sleeping, isn’t that kinda bad for what’s growing inside you? Just saying…

After explaining to him that I haven’t slept because of said hip pain and insomnia in 2 days he gave me a prescription for Ambien. I’ve taken it twice…but the thing is…I’m kinda afraid to keep taking it. I’ve done my research. It’s the same pregnancy class as Benedryl (which my doctor told me I could take if needed.) I’m not sure why I’m not taking it.

But I’m not sleeping. I’ve been up since 3am today. It’s only 10am. Not so sure I’ll make it through the day without (at minimum) freaking out on one of my co-workers.

Maternity Clothes Shopping

So I bit the bullet and accepted that less and less of my tops are fitting. Also I was down to two pairs of jeans. I had to do it. I had to go buy maternity clothes. At least a few items so I could wear something other than sweatpants every once in a while. My Mom offered to go with me to get me “a few things”.

It was a good thing she went with me. I’d have chickened out otherwise. We met at Destination Maternity. I arrived a few minutes before she did. I couldn’t even bring myself to get out of the car! I was terrified. Now I know full well that is not logical. They are just clothes. They can’t hurt me. But what would have happened if I bought those clothes and then everything went to shit? Could I deal with that? I was about to turn on the car and go home as fast as I could when my Mom pulled up. Yea that’s right…I was scared to go shopping.

I did get out of the car and we got some nice things.

(In a side note…did you know maternity clothes come with instructions on how to put them on!? This blew my mind. Check this out!
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But what this trip taught me is that I may never be rid of the fears that something will go wrong and my body will fail me. It’s just not going away. I’m 19 weeks today and every single ache or cramp sends a tiny wave of panic through me and a dash to the bathroom to make sure I’m not bleeding. The doctor assured me last week that everything is fine, even if I’m not showing yet. Everything if normal. Part of me still doesn’t believe it. But there is part of me that does…so I guess that’s something, right?

For the most part I’m able to put on a happy and excited face for the rest of the world so that no one knows of my panic. Even if the rest of the world tends to annoy me more than not lately. As soon as you tell most people (but ESPECIALLY those with young children) that you are pregnant they start to lecture you on everything. And I’m talking everything from doctors visits and tests to the benefits of breast feeding vs formula to which products you MUST buy. I’ve been told all about which stroller I should register for…which tests I really should have…that I should be sleeping with extra pillows even if they make it so NewsBoy can’t fit in the bed…and what diapers I should use.

It’s amazing how many experts there are out there, and they all have an opinion on everything. Someone asked me if we were going to find out the sex. When I said that yes we will know but haven’t decided if we’ll share it with the world at large. She responded with “Oh that’s too bad. It’s one of the few surprises that life gives us, it would be such a shame to ruin that.” And I get that way of thinking but, where does this person get off telling me what I should be doing? I even had one friend tell me that I really needed to get moving and register already, because my shower will be here before I know it. I found this one really amusing because my Mom and I will be planning my shower so I know exactly when and where it will be. (I feel strongly that you do not surprise pregnant women…and in general I’m not a fan of surprises.)

It is all very overwhelming to begin with…but when you add in the constant and varying opinions of the people in my life…I feel like my head is spinning a bit.

But I suppose the bottom line is…things are moving along. And that’s all I can ask for right now.