At a Verbal Loss

So there is quite a bit going on…I’m back at work. YAY!

We had our anatomy scan two weeks ago. That was amazing. I’ve started to write about it several times now, but because of some post scan drama I can’t seem to convey what I want to say. (Before you get too excited…or nervous…I’m okay as is baby. I’ve taken to calling the baby “Monkey”. Don’t ask why…I don’t know.) Newsboy and I…okay I…decided maybe a little to late that we wanted to keep the information to ourselves for a bit. My parents and brother were none too happy about this. And so there was big drama. This drama…that I’m still trying to figure out how to write about without rambling…has really colored the way I look at the entire thing. This scan should have been an amazing and wonderful thing. For a while it was. In the weeks leading up to the scan I had finally somewhat relaxed and begun to enjoy this pregnancy. We learned that all of our genetic testing came back perfectly. So the baby was (is) healthy. But because of the way my family reacted to the scan it is tainted…and I’m leaning towards anxious again.

Since I’m not sure how to tell you all about it…I’m moving on…

My brother and SIL’s baby will be born any day now. (She was due on April 2nd and there’s no baby yet! She’ll be induced on Friday.) I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m excited for them, and looking forward to having another niece or nephew. My parents are beside themselves they are so excited to greet their first grandchild. But in the back of my head there is this tiny little voice that keeps reminding me that their first grandchild should be seven weeks old today. That just won’t go away. I’m worried I won’t react properly when I’m at the hospital with them because of this.

It’s no longer a constant thought, as it once was, but it is still very much there. And a part of me feels like I’m cheating the child inside me because I can’t let go of the brother or sister my Monkey would have, should have, had.

Then again everything seems like too much to handle lately. I feel scattered. I’m easily irritated. I don’t like being ruled by my emotions. It takes me too long to get past the overwhelming emotional initial reaction that I have to get to the rational thoughts that help me deal with whatever is going on. I’m blaming the lack of Prozac. I suppose the lack of sleep doesn’t help much either. (Thanks to a cold that seems to have transitioned into allergies breathing is difficult.)

Maybe it’s like this for all pregnant women? I don’t know. But because of all of this that is going on in my head and in my life…I’m at a bit of a verbal loss. And as a writer, that is one of the most frustrating things in the world. And for this writer…even more so…because I work things out best when I can write them out and step away from them. And I can’t do that right now.

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2 thoughts on “At a Verbal Loss

  1. I’m so sorry for all the drama! And, the stress and exhaustion! And, I’m sorry for the uncertainty of how you’re feeling about your brother’s baby. I”m so glad, though, that Monkey is looking good and things are moving forward. Sending you big ((hugs)) and I hope you’re feeling a little better.

  2. First, Yay for Monkey doing well. I’m sorry that you are missing your first pregnancy so much. I can’t even imagine what that is like for you. I know you are ecstatic about Monkey but no one can blame you for being sad about your brother’s baby being born so close to when you were due the first time. It’s ok to be sad about that. Good luck at the hospital, I’m sure you will hold it together just fine.

    As for your family and the anatomy scan…I can only imagine the drama that was caused by your wish to keep things secret for a while longer. People don’t always understand about the need to keep things just between the 2 of you sometimes. They can feel jipped or dissed if you don’t tell them everything. You should ask them what they would have done back in the days when there was no way of finding out. Also, they are not the ones picking names or planning a nursery so it shouldn’t weigh as heavy on them. But….I’m sorry they gave you hard time and I’m sorry you had to deal with that on what should have been a very exciting day for you and NewsBoy.

    Pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep will make anyone a little sensitive and reactive…give yourself a bit of a break. Don’t beat yourself up for your emotions.

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