I started a post in my head the other day…it was kinda a recap of 2010. Of course I never got to the computer to type it out…so it’s disappeared from what’s left of my brain. But the gist of it was this…while professionally and financially 2010 wasn’t my best year it will remain the most amazing year I’ve had to date. I spent the majority of the year pregnant with my miracle, and I loved mostly every minute of that pregnancy (being pregnant in a heat wave in NYC is NOT fun in any way shape or form). And then 8 months and 3 days into 2010 my baby girl joined NewsBoy and I. After two years of hoping and praying, of being poked and prodded, of anticipation and disappointment, of watching no less than 12 babies being born into the lives of my friends and family, I finally held our baby in my arms.
It was amazing. That night after I sent NewsBoy home to sleep, the nurse brought NewsBaby to me so I could say good night. I needed to see her and hold her once more. It was almost like she wasn’t real until I was alone with her. (I know that sounds crazy but there you have it.) In those few moments alone through overwhelming tears of joy I said to my daughter, “You are strong. You are smart. And you are loved.” And in the past five months she has proven to be all of that and more.
As of yesterday NewsBaby is five months old. In some ways these last five months have been very long…but it also feels like it’s gone by so incredibly fast I should have whiplash. Sometimes it still feels like a dream. At any moment I will wake up and be on my way to another appointment, still fighting infertility. Silly…I know.
Still she continues to amaze me every day. While she can also be frustrating, I continue to be amazed by the things she does and her reactions to me and the world around her.
Right now other than taking care of NewsBaby, I have started to look for a job again. Neither NewsBoy or I make enough to be a single income family, so I was always going to have to go back to work. I also want to work…I always said I wanted to be a working mom. And that hasn’t changed in these past five months. I still want to work…but the prospect of leaving NewsBaby with babysitters while I’m at work fills me with anxiety. Before I gave birth, I had a new contract lined up. For the last two years I have been basically working for the same company but bouncing from department to department. Each bounce started a new contract. So they were willing to let me stay home as long as I wanted. I work long hours. I easily work a 12 to 14 hour day…and that’s without commuting. I realized that if I went back with this new contract I would be leaving NewsBaby with someone else for a long portion of the day. And NewsBoy would have to take on the brunt of the baby care at the end of the day. (It is common for me to get home at 8 or 9 at night…which would also mean I wouldn’t see NewsBaby much at all.) The longer I was with News Baby the longer I realized this was not the type of mom I wanted to be right now. Some day…when she’s older…I would like to return. But for now…I chose to leave.
The problem is…other than temp I have no idea what to do. (And as a temp I’m expensive so I don’t get many jobs.) At the moment though, NewsBaby is up from her nap so I’ll end here. I’ll be back soon.