Updates & Uncertainty

I’ve spent the last few weeks in a bubble that has nothing to do with TTC. It was nice. I focused on my job, the sale of our condo and the purchase of our house. Both sales went through (finally!) and we moved about a week before Thanksgiving. Hooray!!

We’re still settling in…but as of this moment all of our new furniture and our new washer and dryer have all been delivered. Settling in can take as much time as I want. The gig I’m currently on is coming to an end, so things are quieting down at work. I’ll be unemployed after the end of this month. (This is just the way things work with what I do…it was expected.)

So for the first time in I don’t even know how long every single thought in my head wasn’t about TTC. (That’s not to say that I haven’t been thinking about wanting a child of my own with every waking moment.)

I did end up “coming out” to my Uncle and Aunt…but not my cousins. Well, blurted out was more like it. (My poor Uncle had to call my Mom and get clarification on a couple of things.) But my Aunt and Uncle now know the basics…that we’ve been trying for two years and have been going through fertility treatments for over a year and that I’ve had 2 IVF cycles. And as it turns out…their daughter (the cousin who is like my baby sister) took 3 years to conceive. I had a wonderful conversation with my Aunt. She told me a bit about her struggles. She also said that the one things she learned was that you shouldn’t ask why…because you’ll never know. That’s probably really good advice. She also told me that my time was coming. For once that statement didn’t annoy me, because she’s been where I am to some extent. But the lesson was that in coming out to my Aunt and Uncle not only did I find more support but I learned that even within my family I am not alone. That helps…more than I thought it would.

Thanksgiving itself was actually nice. I initiated games on their Wii almost as soon as we got there. It helped to keep me distracted. My SIL is visibly pregnant. That took the air right out of my lungs and sent me straight for the wine. I think I downed two glasses before I felt like I could breathe. There was quite a bit of talk and excitement about her pregnancy, but it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Having my Aunt and Uncle there in addition to my parents was helpful. All in all it wasn’t horrible and I survived.

I’ve come to realize (just now in fact) that I “survive” things more and more rather than just experiencing and enjoying them. I survived the family reunion over the summer. I survived being told by my baby brother and best friend about pregnancies. I survived my Godson’s 1st birthday party. I survived Thanksgiving. I survived the family dinner that we had on Saturday night to celebrate my Mom’s birthday. How much more will I have to survive before it really is my turn?

Anyway…while I have been living in this non-TTC bubble….the pain, the loss and the abyss of sadness are all still there. I think that maybe I’m just dealing with it better. Or maybe I’m just ignoring it better. Or maybe I’m just medicated.

But my point is that I didn’t even realize any of that until the RE’s office called yesterday afternoon to pull me right out of my bubble. Because you see it’s CD 33…Aunt Flo should have shown her ugly face by now and she’s no where to be found. So my favorite nurse (Margaret) called to see if I still wanted to go ahead with the PGD and IVF cycle. She has some forms she needs me to sign if we’re going ahead with the PGD.

“Margaret,” I said “What is PGD?”

She went on to explain that this was the testing my RE and I talked about after my last failed cycle. PGD (Preimplantation genetic diagnosis) is basically a test run on the embryos after fertilization and before implantation to see if there are genetic abnormalities. I’m still researching…

The last conversation I had with my RE is honestly a big blur. He told me all about this PGD stuff and how he wanted to integrate it into the protocol for my next IVF Cycle. I can’t remember any of it. I don’t remember the pros. I don’t remember the cons. I just remember that he thinks at this point genetic abnormalities are the reason neither IVF cycle worked for us. (And just so ya know…this added step will, of course, add to the cost of the IVF cycle.)

But I keep coming back to my reaction immediately following my finding out that I wasn’t pregnant.

I just don’t know that I can do this again. I don’t know how I justify spending all this money when I don’t know when my next job starts. I don’t know that I can keep doing this…the highs and lows of having all those hormones in my system…the anxiety and anticipation that just exists with an IVF cycle. I don’t know that I can handle constantly updating the people who know I’m in a cycle and all the questions that come with that. I don’t know that I can survive another negative beta…or worse a miscarriage.

But I don’t know if I can accept a childless life. Hell…just the thought forces the air from my lungs and sends me to the bottom of the abyss.

So I’m feeling a bit (okay a lot) lost. I just don’t know…


Ignoring the Anniversary

So I ignored an anniversary earlier this week. Sue me. This past Sunday was the two year mark of my going off BCP. Can you blame me for wanting to ignore it completely? I have nothing to show for it. (Plus the bulk of my week this week has been all about trying to get a closing date set so we can move.) I knew it was there. All day Sunday when NewsBoy and I were packing I was acutely aware of what the day meant. All week long I was hyper aware of the fact that I am now in my third year of trying to conceive my first child.

I had hoped that I would hit this anniversary knowing I was pregnant. I had hoped this last round of IVF would have worked. It didn’t and I’m not. So I’m now in my third year of trying to have a child, a place I never in my wildest dreams expected I’d be. And yes, I am glossing over a lot of tears and discussions and poking and prodding. But the down and dirty details are as follows: in the last two years I’ve had 12 negative pregnancy tests. In my first year I only had 6 cycles while trying to regulate things….my longest cycle to date is 73 days. I’ve been through four cycles with Clomid…and two IVF cycles. And I haven’t a thing to show for it. All my scars are on the inside…you can’t see them.

No matter what else is going on in my life, (you know, like buying and selling a house…have I mentioned that I’m doing that?) the heaviness that surrounds my heart is constant. Yes, I have learned to live with it…I guess you could say I’ve redefined normal. But not a day goes by when I don’t think about the miscarriage I had in July. I should be 27 weeks today. I’m not. And I don’t know that I will ever get to be pregnant.

The “Negative Nelly” (that’s what my Mom used to call me when I was all negative about things) in me keeps screaming that I should just give up and accept a life without children. The Jewish Mother in me keeps telling me to ignore her because my time will come and I should keep fighting.

I am a fighter. I can’t think of one instance in my life where I didn’t go after something I wanted…when I didn’t fight. (And I’ve never wanted anything this badly.) I was raised to go after whatever it was that I wanted. I was taught that if you wanted something you go after it until you get it. But how much more can I take? How much further can I go? Do I go through a third IVF cycle? A fourth? I just don’t know if I have the fight left in me.

Not for the Faint of Heart

I have to tell you…this whole buying and selling real estate thing is quite possibly more stressful then IF!

I never thought I’d say it but…I’m glad at this point that IVF # 2 didn’t work. With the amount of stress and anxiety that I’ve had in the last two weeks that is real estate related I would have certainly miscarried. (Not to mention that job stress thing.)

Maybe my Mom was right…there is always a reason.

Trying to Focus…

Tomorrow is a big day.

We have a general contractor going to our hopefully new house to look at the roof. If he says everything is okay all that’s left is signing the papers and the house is ours. We are also hoping to have a closing date on our condo tomorrow.

Oh…and I’m having my pregnancy test tomorrow morning. We’ll have the results by 2pm.

So focusing is a tad bit hard today…as I’m completely convinced that IVF #2 is a bust. Now you may be thinking “Why would you think that NewsGirl?” Well…allow me to tell you.

I peed on a stick this morning. Yep, that’s right it’s CD 27 and 8 days past the 5 day transfer and I peed on a stick.

Now before you think any further you should know this…the ONLY time I have ever gotten a BFN from peeing on a stick was 3 years ago with my first pregnancy (LONG Story)…and I was 6 weeks pregnant. I had taking a pregnancy test two weeks prior and that was a BFN. So my conclusion is that I’m just a slow riser.

NewsBoy warned me. He told me not to pee on a stick because it would only upset me. And he was right. I knew…and I mean I was positive…that there was no way that pregnancy test was going to be positive and I peed on it anyway. I mean what kind of moron does that? This moron that’s who.

So all day long…from my drive into work (during which I was able to keep the tears at bay…for the most part) to this moment ALL I can think about is tomorrow’s blood test. There is nothing else.

Taking Its Toll

Okay…I give up…doing all this major stuff (you know house selling and buying and baby making WHILE going through the most busy part of my job) was a bad idea. There I said it.

So why do I feel like everything if collapsing around me? (Okay that’s a tad over-dramatic…but that’s how it feels!)

Now I’m sure things aren’t nearly as dire as that statement makes them sound. In fact things in general are going well. The sale of our condo and the purchase of our house are both going along well…I think we’ll have a mortgage early next week and it looks like finally the buyers of our condo are done trying to deal. So if things continue to go the way they have been we should be able to set a closing date sometime next week for both properties.

With the 2nd IVF cycle…well I guess you could say that we’re in limbo. We’re waiting…and waiting…and waiting…for it to be Tuesday. (Pregnancy test day!)

I’ve been amazingly cranky today. Just in a really foul mood. But there wasn’t much to do, as I was in a holding pattern waiting on a bunch of different people to get back to me on various things. And some of those people got back to me shortly after lunch so things picked up this afternoon.

About 3 today my co worker was cooing over something and talking in baby talk, while NewsBoy and I were discussing something and I was trying to get something done. Well I lost it. I had to practically run out of the room. I got to the stairwell I hide in when I need to hide without anyone seeing I was crying.

(And for the record…when I’m experiencing any extreme emotion…happy…sad… angry… overwhelmed…I cry. It’s just the way I let it out best.)

After a few minutes I took a deep breath to try and calm myself down. I was very busy and really couldn’t be away from my desk that long. And I was able to calm myself down and get to the bathroom to clean myself up. I gotta admit…feeling a bit better now that I’ve let some of it out. And in retrospect I do realize that is what this was…the need to release the stress of the week. Honestly I don’t think I’m done crying. I know as soon as I see NewsBoy tonight the waterworks will start all over again.

But we just ended our day so I’m leaving. Here’s to a relaxing weekend!

My Insanity

So there is A LOT going on right now. And while in general I prefer when things are busy, I am close to admitting that maybe…MAYBE…NewsBoy and I have taken on a bit too much this time around. Here’s a quick rundown of what we have cookin’ before I get into the down and dirty details:

• IVF Cycle # 2
• Selling our current home
• Buying a new home

PLUS I’m in my busy season at work…that means 12 to 14 hour days most of the time. So when I say we’re busy…and suddenly the word “busy” feels amazingly inadequate…I mean really busy.

So I’ll break it down one at a time. Let’s start with the houses…

We bought a condo right after we got married. I love our condo. It’s the home we created to begin our marriage in…and leaving it will be amazingly difficult for me. We’ve been through so much in our home…including deciding to have a child. But we decided it was time to move…we wanted more house and a yard…and all that jazz. So we spent the bulk of our summer weekends prepping our condo to be sold. We put it on the market just before Labor Day. Two and a half weeks later we had an offer that we were willing to accept. Everyone (including us) was shocked that we had gotten an offer so quickly. We were thrilled.

We had been house hunting. Once the condo went on the market we started. We saw somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 houses over the course of just three weeks! (See now why I haven’t posted in forever!?) But we found one. It’s got four bedrooms and two and a half bathrooms. And somehow miraculously our bid was accepted without any negotiation.

By the time September ended we had sold our beloved condo and bought a new house. (I still kinda don’t believe it.)

As of today we are out of attorney review on both properties. We hope to close on both in early November. It’s all amazingly surreal.

Now…IVF round two!

So we put the condo on the market just before Labor day…and the day after Labor day I started BCP in preparation for IVF #2. Two weeks later on September 22nd I started Lupron injections. I took my last BCP on Monday, September 28th. On October 1st I went for my first poking and prodding appointment (you know…the standard blood work and ultrasound appointment.) I started Follistim that night.

This past Tuesday was my egg retrieval. They got 14 eggs! Recuperation this time around was much easier. There was no OHSS (That’s Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome for those of you playing at home) this time. And let me tell you it has made ALL the difference. Today…three days later…I feel completely fine.

This weekend we will have the inspection and appraisal on our new house and then Sunday will be the Embryo Transfer.

And that my friends is the quick and dirty version of my life over the past month and a half.

So do you forgive me for being absent for so long?