There Are No Words…

They don’t have words for this. The debilitating and overwhelming sadness that you feel every time the nurse calls to tell you that she’s sorry but you aren’t pregnant. It is completely 100% all consuming. It’s all I can see, all I can feel, all that is in my head. It has tainted every single thought I have.

I think maybe we need new definitions for what it is that we go through…perhaps an Infertility dictionary would help the rest of the world comprehend this? It’s just a thought. (Maybe it’ll stop people from asking if we are having kids. I’m pretty sure the next person who asks me is gonna get an earful.)

Of course I’ve been here before…way too much. I went off the pill in November of 2007. November 8th to be precise. So in about a week I’ll have my second anniversary of trying to conceive my first child. I spent the first year trying to regulate my cycle. When it was clear that wouldn’t work my OB/GYN started me on Clomid. That was a year ago this past September. So after a year of fertility treatments, and that 2nd anniversary looming in about a week today’s news hit me that much harder.

I can’t think straight about anything. And with so much else going on in my life this is not a good thing. I keep thinking in the same circle. You know the one…cause if you have been doing this for any amount of time you’ve thought these things too.

You know the “maybe if this wasn’t such a stressful time it would have worked.” Or the ever popular “maybe my body just won’t accept or hold a pregnancy.” And my favorite “maybe I just have to accept I don’t get to have kids.”

Yep that’s just a sampling of my current downward spiral. Good times, right?

I actually chickened out earlier…I called the voice mail to check it, heard that there was a message and promptly hung up on it. I told NewsBoy that there was a message. “Do you want me to check it?” I honestly didn’t know. Somewhere inside I knew that I wasn’t pregnant…that yesterday’s HPT was correct…but this would have made it real. As long as a nurse didn’t tell me anything there was still a possibility…no matter how remote.

Of course, NewsBoy checked it. I had run to the bathroom to try and collect myself and psych myself up so I wouldn’t break down completely when I got the news. (Yea that didn’t work at all by the way.) I got back to my desk to learn that NewsBoy had gone to lunch. So I grabbed my phone and went to my favorite hiding spot…the stairwell. I texted “did you check it?” His answer…”Do you really want to know?” Honestly I didn’t know and said as much. He told me, and well tears ensued. I texted a co-worker (not the work wife I’ve mentioned before but someone who I’ve worked with for years and is a friend in addition to a co-worker…we’ll call her Work Wife 2) She brought me more tissues and comforted me. I was able to pull it together enough to drive home. (Although there were some points where there is just no way I should have been driving. I kept talking to myself the whole ride home “you can do this…just a little longer…just keep it together…almost home.”)

When I finally arrived home I texted NewsBoy and my friend to let them know I was home safe. I dropped my things and walked to our bedroom and immediately collapsed into a puddle of tears and sorrow right there on the floor, clutching to the bed. Somehow I got into my pajamas and onto the bed. After a few more texts with NewsBoy I lay down and just cried. I’m not sure how long that went on…at some point I fell asleep. (Thank you Xanex.) The next thing I was aware of was NewsBoy crawling into bed with me and pulling me close.

I cried on and off all night. We watched some TV. We talked. I cried. We talked some more. I admitted that I’m not so sure I can do another IVF cycle. This cycle specifically was hard. I reacted to the drugs differently; the embryo transfer was very difficult and lasted over a half an hour (and that was just for the doc to get the catheter in the right place!) I just don’t know that I can do this to myself again.

But the question remains…can I live without a child?

Perhaps I just focus on one thing at a time. I’ve decided a mental health day is in order. I’m staying home tomorrow, so I’m free to cry all I want. Maybe I’ll call my shrink. Although I’m not so sure what he can do to help me with this one?

It’s about 1:30 in the morning now…I’m going to try and get some sleep. (Thanks to another Xanex I’m calm enough now to fall asleep I think.)

Good night.

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The Waiting Game

I am SO not good at this. Especially after a night of not really sleeping. I hate waiting. But when you add in exhaustion and hormonal well there really is nothing worse you could do to me right now. (Okay so I’m 100% sure that is over-dramatic but bear with me…I’m having a rough time. Although I do have one co-worker who is trying to push me to the limit.)

I think part of me knows that this round didn’t work. I said as much to NewsBoy this morning. He answered simply “Then we try again.”

But in this moment I’m not sure I can do this again.

So we’ll wait…and hope…and I’ll try not to cry at my desk.

How Do I Move On?

As of today my SIL is officially 12 weeks pregnant.

So of course, as they are safely through the first trimester and the baby is healthy, they are going to start telling people. As luck (or maybe someone just wants me to be in pain) would have it Rosh Hashanah starts tonight. Tonight NewsBoy and I will be with his family. Tomorrow we will be with mine. My Brother and SIL plan on telling people at the very large family dinner tomorrow night. My Mom (being the saint she is and knowing I do not do well with surprises) warned me that they were planning on this. I cried on and off all night, and am fighting tears as I type. I cried myself to sleep (After taking half a Xanex).

But here’s what I’ve realized…I am no where near okay with or “over” (for lack of a better word) the miscarriage I had in July. I am still overwhelmingly sad about it. Hell today, I feel a bit like I’m drowning in it.

Although I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that I’ve also realized that I’m not angry with them or anything like that…just overwhelmingly sad for me and NewsBoy. And it is that sadness that is preventing me from being happy and excited for them. My heart wants to be happy for them…I just can’t get past the sadness that seems to be surrounding it.

So please…how do you move on? How do you get to a place where you are okay?

Clarity

Okay so I started writing this on Thursday, August 27th. Just to give you some context…I’ve put dates in the parenthesis below.

Now that I’ve had some time to process my SIL’s pregnancy, I am happy for them. Can’t quite muster excited, but I figure happy is a step up from the shock, anger and sadness that I was dealing with a couple of weeks ago.

The truth of the matter is that I wouldn’t wish infertility treatments on anyone. No one should have to be treated like a pin cushion. No one should have to go to such emotional and exhausting extremes to have a biological child. Before I knew that she was pregnant I hoped with all my might that they wouldn’t have to suffer through infertility. (My SIL’s brother and his wife also needed fertility treatments to have their children.). So I guess I got that hope.

It was once I had remembered I didn’t want this for them that I was able to let go of the anger and work towards happy.

As for me…I went back to the RE to talk about another round of IVF. (Yep I went in reaction to my brother’s news…but we were thinking about it anyway.) We reviewed the last cycle and decided that we would try the same protocol the second time around. They took some bloodwork to see if I had ovulated or if I could start BCP right away.

The nurse called the next day with the news that I would have to wait for a period. She also said I’d I didn’t have my period by Wednesday of the next week (Wednesday, August 26th) I should come back in for more bloodwork. With that information I made the assumption that I HAD already ovulated. Not so much. I was, as the bloodwork I took a week later (Thursday, August 27th) told me, just about to ovulate. Frankly I’m a bit peeved the nurse last week wasn’t more specific but I was fully ready to go through a second round of IVF so I was able to let it go fairly quickly.

So now…we wait.

This Has to be a Cruel Joke, Right?

So my baby brother called me at home last night. Slightly odd, cause he doesn’t call me at home unless he has something to tell me. So we chatted for a bit. I could hear his hesitation….he was dancing around and leading up to something…something he wasn’t sure how to tell me.

He kept saying “it’s been really crazy around here.” Then it hit me…my SIL was pregnant. I took a deep breath and swore to myself that I would not cry and would be happy for them. Moments later he confirmed just that; “Well the thing is, she’s six and a half weeks pregnant.”

Don’t’ forget to breathe…keep breathing…. I told myself, as I (hopefully) told him how great it was that they were going to have a baby. I asked all the appropriate questions. And so he went on…and gave me all the details. My SIL went off the pill in May (as I was going through IVF) to prepare to start trying and it just happened. For a while my SIL was worried that something was wrong and didn’t even think that she might be pregnant so it was all a huge shock.

I hope that I responded properly. I hope that the overwhelming sadness, that seemed to grow exponentially the longer we stayed on the phone, wasn’t apparent to him. (Although he does tend to see right through me.)

After we were finished talking I talked to my SIL and congratulated her. She lamented that she’s still in shock because this wasn’t her “plan”. (My SIL is big on the planning of things.) I comforted her and assured her it would all be fine, that you can’t always plan for everything and that this will be wonderful. She told me she was excited but still in shock and worried since it is so early. (Well I can relate to that one.)

We hung up. Immediately I grabbed the wall for support, crouched down and sobbed. I sobbed loud and hard. I hyperventilated. (A first for me.) Within moments NewsBoy was lifting me up and pulling me into his arms. After a few minutes I went looking for a tissue and ended up in our bedroom. I sat on the bed, pulled my legs up to my chest and sobbed some more. NewsBoy was right behind me, sat next to me and listened to me scream and cry for I don’t even know how long.

And of course, as always, he was amazing and the fact that he was able to watch me like that makes me love him even more.

I cried on and off all night and eventually exhausted myself to the point of sleep.

This morning brought a new wave of emotions. Between feeling sorry for us, guilt for being upset, and anger at the fact that things are always so easy for my brother…well it’s amazing I was able to get out the door and get myself to work. (I very nearly got right back into bed when the milk curdled in my coffee this morning…more and more I’m truly convinced that someone up there has it in for me.)

And I’m still a ball of emotions, and kinda numb…but I’ve also realized today that I’m not nearly as okay with the loss of my pregnancy as I thought. I’m not so sure what do to with that.

So I’ve called the financial coordinator at the Fertility Clinic to help determine if we can afford another round of IVF this year. And so NewsBoy and I will talk about that tonight.

But I seem to be in this cycle of emotions…sadness…guilt…anger… hopelessness…and I just can’t seem to bring myself to be happy or excited that I have another niece or nephew coming. (Which of course brings on more guilt.) Because every time I think about when their baby is due I think to myself that my baby should be two months older than theirs.

And that just makes me sad.