They don’t have words for this. The debilitating and overwhelming sadness that you feel every time the nurse calls to tell you that she’s sorry but you aren’t pregnant. It is completely 100% all consuming. It’s all I can see, all I can feel, all that is in my head. It has tainted every single thought I have.
I think maybe we need new definitions for what it is that we go through…perhaps an Infertility dictionary would help the rest of the world comprehend this? It’s just a thought. (Maybe it’ll stop people from asking if we are having kids. I’m pretty sure the next person who asks me is gonna get an earful.)
Of course I’ve been here before…way too much. I went off the pill in November of 2007. November 8th to be precise. So in about a week I’ll have my second anniversary of trying to conceive my first child. I spent the first year trying to regulate my cycle. When it was clear that wouldn’t work my OB/GYN started me on Clomid. That was a year ago this past September. So after a year of fertility treatments, and that 2nd anniversary looming in about a week today’s news hit me that much harder.
I can’t think straight about anything. And with so much else going on in my life this is not a good thing. I keep thinking in the same circle. You know the one…cause if you have been doing this for any amount of time you’ve thought these things too.
You know the “maybe if this wasn’t such a stressful time it would have worked.” Or the ever popular “maybe my body just won’t accept or hold a pregnancy.” And my favorite “maybe I just have to accept I don’t get to have kids.”
Yep that’s just a sampling of my current downward spiral. Good times, right?
I actually chickened out earlier…I called the voice mail to check it, heard that there was a message and promptly hung up on it. I told NewsBoy that there was a message. “Do you want me to check it?” I honestly didn’t know. Somewhere inside I knew that I wasn’t pregnant…that yesterday’s HPT was correct…but this would have made it real. As long as a nurse didn’t tell me anything there was still a possibility…no matter how remote.
Of course, NewsBoy checked it. I had run to the bathroom to try and collect myself and psych myself up so I wouldn’t break down completely when I got the news. (Yea that didn’t work at all by the way.) I got back to my desk to learn that NewsBoy had gone to lunch. So I grabbed my phone and went to my favorite hiding spot…the stairwell. I texted “did you check it?” His answer…”Do you really want to know?” Honestly I didn’t know and said as much. He told me, and well tears ensued. I texted a co-worker (not the work wife I’ve mentioned before but someone who I’ve worked with for years and is a friend in addition to a co-worker…we’ll call her Work Wife 2) She brought me more tissues and comforted me. I was able to pull it together enough to drive home. (Although there were some points where there is just no way I should have been driving. I kept talking to myself the whole ride home “you can do this…just a little longer…just keep it together…almost home.”)
When I finally arrived home I texted NewsBoy and my friend to let them know I was home safe. I dropped my things and walked to our bedroom and immediately collapsed into a puddle of tears and sorrow right there on the floor, clutching to the bed. Somehow I got into my pajamas and onto the bed. After a few more texts with NewsBoy I lay down and just cried. I’m not sure how long that went on…at some point I fell asleep. (Thank you Xanex.) The next thing I was aware of was NewsBoy crawling into bed with me and pulling me close.
I cried on and off all night. We watched some TV. We talked. I cried. We talked some more. I admitted that I’m not so sure I can do another IVF cycle. This cycle specifically was hard. I reacted to the drugs differently; the embryo transfer was very difficult and lasted over a half an hour (and that was just for the doc to get the catheter in the right place!) I just don’t know that I can do this to myself again.
But the question remains…can I live without a child?
Perhaps I just focus on one thing at a time. I’ve decided a mental health day is in order. I’m staying home tomorrow, so I’m free to cry all I want. Maybe I’ll call my shrink. Although I’m not so sure what he can do to help me with this one?
It’s about 1:30 in the morning now…I’m going to try and get some sleep. (Thanks to another Xanex I’m calm enough now to fall asleep I think.)