Updates and Realizations

This post started as simply an update. I intended to tell you about my recent appointment and my beginning to share the news with my RL inner circle. It took me somewhere else…I’ve always found I’m more honest with myself when I’m writing…and I think this is something I’ve been hiding from myself or just ignoring for a while now.

I went to the OB on Tuesday. It was an uneventful appointment. (I’m told this is a good thing.) Personally I find it a bit unsettling. I’ve spent the better part of the last two years knowing exactly what my hormone levels are and exactly what is (or what wasn’t) going on in my uterus. So for me to spend more time in a waiting room then with a doctor…it makes me nervous. And you know what? I’m nervous enough about this.

But everyone…from my best friend (who goes to the same group of doctors I do) to my brother (my SIL is in her 3rd Trimester) has assured me that this is great. They only monitor you closely if something is wrong. They keep up with your hormones with your urine samples. And check on the fetus (I just can’t bring myself to use the B word yet…more on that later) by listening to the heartbeat. So I should relax. Everything is fine.

I can’t help but flash back to when we were “trying” and all anyone would tell us was we had to relax and it would happen. I didn’t like being told to relax then…not so thrilled with it now. Because you know what? Telling someone to relax tends to cause the exact OPPOSITE effect on said person. Me? It pisses me off too.

But I digress…things are progressing along nicely. I have been so nauseous and sick that I’ve lost 5 pounds. Because of a change in health insurance I was able to get a full ultrasound at this visit. That was amazing. I measured exactly 10 weeks. The heart rate was 160. I can’t decide if it looks more like a peanut or a gummi bear at this point but you know what? You want me to relax? Show me that everything really is fine on an ultrasound. Give me one of those every day! THAT is relaxing.

The OB doesn’t want to see me for a month. A MONTH! Seriously are they aware for the past year I’ve been seeing a doctor about my uterus practically daily? A MONTH?! Do you know what can go wrong in a month?! The doctor told me to go for a Nuchal Translucency. (That’s done in another office.) So I made that appointment for January 29th. (Hence the strategic scheduling of the Nuchal 2 weeks after my last appointment and 2 weeks before my next.)

I should relax and just enjoy being pregnant right? If the last two years have taught me anything it’s that my body will fail to work properly. Twice they put embryos exactly where they are supposed to go only for one to somehow find it’s way to an ectopic pregnancy and the second to fail to do anything at all. So no…I don’t see myself relaxing and enjoying anytime soon. Honestly…I’m afraid to relax and enjoy. I’m afraid to believe. I want to…I don’t think I have ever wanted to believe in anything more than I want to believe in this.

I was talking to IvoryGirl today and said that I am ever so slowing beginning to believe that it might be okay. That’s all I can muster. I want to…I do. More than anything I want to enjoy this and be happy about it. I want to look at baby clothes when I shop and be brave enough to walk into a maternity clothing store. I just can’t. My reaction to both is still…it’ll never be mine. Hell my immediate reaction to someone’s pregnancy is still jealousy. It takes a moment to realize I don’t have to be jealous anymore.

I’m just not sure I’ll ever be the oblivious happy pregnant chick. I’m sure that sounds selfish but I know too much about what can go wrong. I have heard too many horror stories. Shed too many tears for my fellow infertile sisters when their joy…their world… is demolished. The pain of the loss I suffered with the ectopic pregnancy is still very real and raw…even now nearly 9 months later. Had that pregnancy been normal and healthy I would be getting ready to greet that child so soon. And I can’t get past the knowledge that February 16th is rapidly approaching …I can’t. I don’t know how. I want to focus on what’s going on in my uterus currently and celebrate that but I’m still mourning the sibling that will never be…

And I don’t know how to stop.

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The Future

I wanted to take a moment to talk to you about the future of this blog.

I’ve been thinking a lot (hence the lack of posts) over the past two weeks about what I should do. Do I keep posting here? Do I start a new blog? Do I disappear from cyberspace altogether? That last one isn’t an option, as I’ve found I really enjoy blogging.

I’ve read plenty of blogs where there are angry posts saying that once a blogger is fortunate enough to find herself pregnant or is a parent that they should close up shop and either stop posting or start an entirely new blog. Even before I found myself pregnant, I didn’t think that was exactly fair.

I mean, I’ve spoken about things that aren’t related to infertility on this blog. But I think the main reason I disagree with posts like that is simply, my infertility has helped to shape me into the woman I am today. And when I say that I mean that my infertility has shaped me in ways I think I may never understand. It broke me. It pushed me to places I never thought I’d see again, places I wasn’t sure I would survive. It brought me closer to NewsBoy and made us stronger. It made me stronger then I ever thought I could be. It is part of who I am.

And even though I am now pregnant I think it’s important to keep talking about what happens when you are somehow pregnant and infertile. I do think that pregnancy after battling infertility is different then if you are fortunate enough to be able to do things “the old fashioned way”. Infertility takes so much from us and leaves us with fears and insecurities that I’m not sure ever actually go away. (I’m sure this is something I will come back to time and time again.)

Once I came to that realization…my decision was made. I will continue to post here throughout my pregnancy and beyond. If reading about my pregnancy is too hard for you or hurts you, I am truly sorry. I do completely understand if you stop visiting me here. I will miss you and wish you nothing but the best.

Coming Out of the Infertility Closet

I’ve always been an open book, if you will, when it comes to pretty much everything. And I mean everything, except that is for my struggle with infertility. This struggle…this fight…this sadness I’ve kept pretty much to myself (and NewsBoy of course). Yes, our parents and siblings are aware of what we are going through. And yes, I do have a small handful of RL girlfriends who know what we are going through. But by and large, in my real life, I have kept this to myself. Sure I have found amazing support online with people who don’t know me and wouldn’t know me if they walked right into me on the street. But my family and the people that are part of my every day life have no idea what we are going through.

After my friend IvoryGirl read my Thanksgiving post we started talking about how we keep our infertility from the people we are closest with but share it freely with complete strangers in cyberspace.

One of the main reasons I don’t want to go to Thanksgiving this year is my fear that I will simply blurt it all out at some point in response to someone being insensitive without even knowing it. Then I become family gossip. I don’t want that. Because this is no one’s business, right?

This is a very personal battle. I mean most people get to make love to their partner and surprise the world with a pregnancy whenever they see fit to share it. I don’t get that. I get phone calls and emails asking when my next doctor’s appointment is…when the next procedure or cycle will be. My sex life (or lack thereof) is out there for the world to know because I’m broken. I can’t have a baby the “old-fashioned” way. I need doctors and embryologists and anesthesiologists just to have a chance at having a baby. I get looks of pity and pep talks. (And who needs or wants those!? Or is it just me that gets really angry from that crap?) I don’t get to surprise anyone with the news if …IF…I actually get pregnant. Except those who have no idea I even want children. So part of me wants to maintain the secrecy just so I can surprise someone. Anyone.

But as I continued my conversation with IvoryGirl I admitted to skipping a lot…and I mean A LOT…of family functions over the past two years just because I couldn’t handle seeing kids or because I had just gotten a BFN again. In a way, it feels like I’m hiding from my life. I hate that. And I can’t figure out which will make things easier for me over time. I know with all my heart and soul that my family will do anything for me. I know that they will support me through anything and everything. But telling them comes with questions…the ones about when we decided to have kids…why we changed our minds…Am I ready to answer those questions? Do I even have to?

And then IvoryGirl in all her infinite wisdom said to me: “If they ask questions, you can say with impunity, ‘This is a really difficult process for us, and we’d prefer not to talk about it. I hope you can respect our wishes.’ And who knows, maybe having the visible support of your extended family will help you cope? Maybe in keeping it private, we’re giving ourselves a heavier burden to bear?”

And you know what? She is 100% absolutely positively right. How many of us suffer in silence daily only to cry to our computer screens because the people we talk to in cyberspace are the ONLY people who can even begin to imagine what it is that we are going through. We go through the motions of every day life. We smile at family gatherings and hang out at the bar (clearly there is a bar at my family gatherings) because it’s easier then facing the kids that are running around or the talk of so and so’s pregnancy. But IvoryGirl’s questions remains…are we making this harder on ourselves then it needs to be? I just don’t know…maybe we should have a little more faith in those we love? Maybe we should come out of the infertility closet?