The Truth is…

I am terrified.

NewsBoy and I will go tomorrow morning for my 2nd Beta and an ultrasound.

I still can’t quite believe this is real….so how can I possibly be getting an ultrasound tomorrow morning? The cramps I’m having just mean that I’m going to get my period, right? It’s not anything growing inside me. It can’t be. It just doesn’t make sense. After a year of fertility treatments how is this even possible that I ovulated on my own? Never mind that we timed things properly without paying attention to anything.

Then for a moment I do believe that this is real and then I panic…what if it all goes bad…again? Will I survive that?

I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I’m sitting at my desk at work trying SO hard to focus on what I need to be doing. I just can’t. All I can think about is my uterus and what might be going on in there. It just doesn’t feel real. I can’t wrap my head around this at all.

Yes…I’m peeing like it’s my job. Yes…I am experiencing cramping that feels more like stretching and pulling then menstrual cramps. Yes…my boobs are killing me. Yes…I’m seemingly constantly hungry and tired. But that’s just PMS. Right?

More than anything right now I just want today to be over…I want to be home with NewsBoy. I want to crawl into bed so tomorrow can come and maybe I can start to believe.

Wait…What!?

Okay…so it’s CD 39. I figure I’m on an in between cycle (Next IVF isn’t until 2010) so no big deal. But since it’s CD 39 I figured I should POAS so I could call the RE and tell them it’s CD 39, AF is no where in sight and I wasn’t pregnant.

Ummm…well I POAS and the stick says that it’s a BFP.

WAIT! WHAT? SERIOUSLY? No…that can’t be…I mean I don’t ovulate on my own…it’s impossible. Right?

So I called NewsBoy. I was shaking…I could barely hold the phone.

“Baby?” I said going a mile a minute “Ummm so I peed on a stick this morning so I could call the RE and tell them that I peed on a stick and wasn’t pregnant, but the stick says I’m pregnant.”

NewsBoy: “What!”

Me: “Umm yea…the stick thinks I’m pregnant.”

NewsBoy: “Well call someone!”

Me: “I did….I called you…I don’t know what to think…what to do.”

NewsBoy “Go call the doc.”

Me: “Okay.” and I hung up on him! (Poor man takes more abuse then anyone should.)

So I called the RE’s office…now at this point I have a relationship with most of the nurses and support staff. After a year of treatments they all know me and what I’ve been through. So when I got through to Patty I sped through the same thing I told DH. “Oh congratulations!” she squealed. After telling her I was freaking out a bit she tracked down a nurse to find out what I should do. While on hold I paced so fast I made myself dizzy…all in about two minutes.

She talked to Margaret…who even though she was with a patient said congratulations and come in tomorrow for blood work. Patty said she was going to transfer me to the voice mail so someone will call me. So I repeated my story for the third time to the answering machine. I hung up the phone and immediately started crying. I fell to my knees and begged “Please let this be real! Please!” I think I did that for a good 10 minutes.

So I go tomorrow for what I guess is a beta…

BUT…can I tell you how much I’ve drank in the past 2 weeks alone!? Not to mention I’ve been drinking semi-caffeinated coffee. PLUS I don’t think I’ve taken a pre-natal vitamin since we moved 3 weeks ago!

I am FREAKING OUT.